We’ve kept in touch over the years. Always very friendly – and well-meaning to do better at staying in touch.

And hey, the fact that I still think of it and that I teared up reading this post probably means it’s time I give her a call.

Your concerns are well founded. But I think that the worst that could happen is she thinks your a jerk…

But the worst that could happen if you don’t say anything is that she never begins to heal.

You can make it clear to her that you are NOT judging her. That you just want her to know that if she ever wants to talk about it, you’re here for her. Then see how she responds. If it’s favorable, then you can let her know that you’ve come around to a different way of seeing things and you wish you had been a better friend. A real friend would have protected both her AND her child.

Tell her you’d like to be that real friend now.

If you sense that she has no idea where you’re coming from, then just say you’ve wondered about her all these years and wanted to know how she was doing.

It’s funny, because even tho you haven’t shared much these last 20 years, that “moment/experience” bonded you in a way that few other experiences ever will. And I believe she knows that. If she really doesn’t care, then she won’t be devastated to think that you are “judging” her. It won’t make any difference. If she does care, then knowing that you think you did something “wrong” but that you still love her might just be exactly what she needs to hear.

It’s a tough one, I agree. Pray before you make any moves. Let God guide you. If you ask Him, he’ll tell you what to do. You’ll know.

I’m glad that you have forgiven yourself. Guilt is crippling. God Bless You.

My hesitations in bringing it up to her have been based on a fear that I would be dredging up something painful for her. Also, I have been concerned that she would take my apology as having a back-handed judgment attached. “I’m sorry I brought you to do that terrible, terrible thing…”

But after writing my first comment and then reading yours, I think I will consider contacting her very seriously.

I’m not catholic, but I have confessed this to God. I don’t feel the weight of guilt for this anymore – but I do feel regret that it happened.

I suppose the question I will be considering the most is: Will this just make *me* feel better? Or will this be for her benefit, too? If it’s just to make me feel better – I’m not interested. If it helps her in some way, and the good outweighs any pain she may feel, then I can easily set aside any discomfort it brings me and take care of that unfortunate, unspoken event.

It’s never too late. If you know how to contact her, you might find that she has been carrying this weight around all by herself for the last twenty years. She might be thrilled to know that the one person who shared her “secret” still cares, and loves her.

She also might not care, hasn’t thought about it, or wishes to forget it, but at least YOU will have done the right thing. I don’t know if you’re Catholic, but you could offer it up in atonement for having been party to it. You should also go to confession. Then you should forgive yourself. God doesn’t hold grudges. All He desires is that you recognize your error and are truly sorry. Her baby has been in His care for a long time, but you and your friend are His children too, and He longs for you both to be at peace as well.

Call her.

I told myself later that it didn’t matter, because if I didn’t take her, someone else would have. I rationalized that I was just being supportive of my friend and her struggle, but not supportive of the procedure.

We’ve never talked about it since that day. I grew up and away from my faith, but eventually came back to it. I wonder if she thinks I’m a hypocrite. I wonder if she just figures I’m pro-choice. I wonder a lot of things, but I can’t make myself go to her 20 years later and tell her that I’m sorry that I didn’t stand up for her baby. That I’m sorry I didn’t try to stop her from letting the doctors hurt her. That I’m sorry I wasn’t a good enough friend to risk my own comfort for her well-being.

I think the problem is that this isn’t primarily a pro life site. It isn’t primarily a Catholic site. It’s primarily an atheist site that has been hijacked by prolife Catholics…lol. So I keep being surprised when people aren’t “Up on the abortion issue”. Skeptimal is a good example. We made a comment in passing about 14 year olds getting abortions without parental consent, just assuming he knew this to be true, only to find out he had no idea. We almost missed a great opportunity there. On a purely “prolife” site, that would have been old news. But here, people are more versed in Atheist/Theist debate than the abortion debate. I would do well to remember that…

No problem. I never mind when people disagree with me, but I HATE when they disagree with me because they don’t understand what I’ve said. I really don’t like being “misunderstood”. So I think I know where you’re coming from.

And yeah, our troll is gone. They often “hit and run” tho. They go from site to site, dropping little bombs and then off they go to the next site…I wish he would have stuck around tho. I love learning peoples “stories”…

By the way, what happened to the troll? I think you scared them away with your peace offering.