The Raving Theist

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God Squad Review CLXIX (Handling a Deadbeat Brother)

May 29, 2006 | 2 Comments

A 50-ish “master manipulator” has been ripping off his parents his whole life. He’s about to get out of jail, and wants to live with his 77 year old mother. Because she’s very religious, the guy’s brother has written to the Squad for advice. They respond with a raft of Old Testament scripture:

We don’t love the Bible because it’s old; we love it because it’s true. The first passages we urge your brother to read are from Leviticus, Chapter 19, where the first way we are commanded to “be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy” (19:2), is to show respect and reverence, honor and honesty toward our parents: “You shall each revere his mother and his father, and keep My sabbaths: I the Lord am your God” (19:3). This same chapter of moral education offers advice to your mother on how to treat her son: “You shall not insult the deaf, or place a stumbling block before the blind, but you shall fear your God: I am the Lord” (19:14). Placing a stumbling block in front of a blind person means offering a drink to someone who is an alcoholic, or, in your mother’s case, offering money to your lying, thieving, cheating brother! Giving him more money just encourages him to perform more mischief.

The Squad also loves the Bible because you can disregard 99% of it’s crazy advice, and quote the passages you agree with while ignoring the ones that contradict them. So while they proclaim the truth of Leviticus 19, they avoid Leviticus 19:20, which lets you sleep with an engaged slave girl as long as you slaughter a ram. And Leviticus 19:19, which forbids you to wear clothing made of two materials woven together, and Leviticus 19:27, which prohibits the trimming of sideburns or beards. Most notably, they ignore Jesus’ parable of the Prodigal Son, which would require the mom to sign over the rest of her assets to the jailbird, or at least slaughter for him the fatted calf.

Comments

2 Responses to “God Squad Review CLXIX (Handling a Deadbeat Brother)”

  1. Thorngod
    May 30th, 2006 @ 4:06 pm

    “We don’t love the Bible because it’s old; we love it because it’s true.” –Bull hockey! If all that stuff had been claimed more recently, half the claimants would have been either locked up or laughed out of Dodge. –Well, a few would have, at least. And the Nazarine cult would soon die out, just as the original did, and Paul would be writing letters from an asylum.

  2. Jeff Guinn
    May 31st, 2006 @ 9:11 pm

    RA:

    Let’s not forget Deuteronomy 13:12-16.

    Which means, provided God’s words have any meaning whatsoever, that the God Squad are on record as being obligated to kill you.

    And Thorngod.

    And me.

    And every Muslim, Hindu …

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