The Raving Theist

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God Has New Plan for Convicted Enron Exec

May 26, 2006 | 46 Comments

Houston, Texas, May 25, 2006
Special to The Raving Atheist

Convicted of six counts of corporate fraud and conspiracy, former Enron chairman Kenneth Lay announced that “God’s got another plan right now.”

Lay did not immediately provide details of the plan. However, trustees of the bankrupt energy-trading giant later released a 35-page outline of God’s proposal to restore the company to profitability by transferring losses to off-the-books partnerships and reclassifying various categories of debt through obscure accounting principles.

“We believe that God is in fact in control and indeed he does work all things for good for those who love the Lord,” Lay said. The statement hinted at Lay’s appeal strategy, in which he is expected to abandon the tactic of blaming his subordinates for Enron’s demise and instead argue that God employed a scheme similar to the plan announced yesterday. God, in turn, has suggested that Jesus and Mary were responsible for the company’s original financial woes.

Lay faces up to 165 years in prison, depending on whether at sentencing he compares his persecution to that of Jesus or Quetzalcoatl.

Comments

46 Responses to “God Has New Plan for Convicted Enron Exec”

  1. Thorngod
    May 26th, 2006 @ 9:30 am

    Sounds like Lay has been getting pointers from Chuck Colson.

  2. JUST_ANOTHER_PRIMATE
    May 26th, 2006 @ 9:45 am

    HA – I remember when he first got charged how he snivelled and cried out how they were good godly people.

    Further evidence that a morality based on the ‘fear of god’ ain’t worth a squat!

  3. Some Guy
    May 26th, 2006 @ 9:51 am

    Maybe God will learn his lesson from this and stick to hurricanes, earthquakes and AIDS.

  4. Darius
    May 26th, 2006 @ 10:55 am

    Yeah, that quote was a gem all right, caught my attention too. He also compared his sufferings to those of Job.

    A humble, pious man to be sure.

  5. Mookie
    May 26th, 2006 @ 12:33 pm

    Religious fervor + unmitigated greed = one delusional and evil fuck. Bake him away, toys.

  6. June
    May 26th, 2006 @ 1:17 pm

    God is quite familiar with side-stepping responsibility and avoiding an accounting. First he fucks up the creation of mankind, then he sends his son to take the hit.

    Make you wonder to whom God looks for his plans!

  7. bernarda
    May 26th, 2006 @ 1:58 pm

    Well put June! I would just have said “to take the rap”.

    Also, what investment company would ever approve of god’s business plan? I think Zeus or Odin probably had better ones. Then there are the Hindus with reincarnation that assures a continuing consumer base.

    As to Lay and Skilling, convicted of serious crime, not to mention the ruin of thousands of employees, why are they free until sentencing in September!!

    Almost any car thief gets sent up immediately. These guys should be in the slammer today.

  8. Choobus
    May 26th, 2006 @ 3:56 pm

    does it count as Schadenfreude to enjoy seeing a shitgoblin like Ken Lay go down?

  9. tholin
    May 27th, 2006 @ 12:47 am

    After the trial, the beleaguered former CEO seemed resigned to the fate which awaits him.

    “My hands are nailed-aah..tied at this point”, Lay intoned. “I thirst.” The latter is presumeably a reference to even the basic sustenance of country club cocktails of which he will soon be deprived.

    Mr. Lay was slightly more defiant when asked by a reporter about the seizure of his assets. “When they roll back the rock from my vault, their not gonna find much there, either.”

    Lay’s supporters are many, a burgeoning class of fiduciary crossbearers that have organized themselves in faith and humility. Their order, Our Lady of Shameless Theogrovellry, now has it’s own chapel next to the Senate’s Hart office building in Washington, D.C.

    The growing congregation, presided over by Archbishop Abramoff, is attracting scores of the persecuted from the ranks of business, lawmakers and even the clergy.

    “We welcome Ken Lay to the fold with open arms”, proclaimed Deacon Tom Delay. “Jesus so loved the biggest whore in Palestine, and we assume that love extends to Houston as well.”

    Alter boy Ralph Reed couldn’t agree more. “All we want is the freedom to practice our faith in the way we see fit.” Reed was also persecuted by the legal Pharisees for righteously “humping in corporate accounts”.

    As these and other ‘apostles’ preach the ‘mysterious ways’ of corporate accounting to the masses, their unspoken wish is that the money trail leads to – and ends – at Calvary.

  10. Crosius
    May 27th, 2006 @ 1:12 pm

    If God is all-knowing and all-seeing, and all-poweful – is it possible for the big guy to need a “new” plan for this idiot? Wouldn’t fundi-god know all this stuff in advance?

    Isn’t this prison stuff more likely part of the sky-daddy’s “Old” plan?

    In which case, Mr. Lay, the God you love must have planned your downfall from the moment of your conception. Which would make him much more like Odin that Yahweh.

    If He existed, I mean.

  11. Pascal's Wager
    May 29th, 2006 @ 1:29 am

    Wow, God is taking a hit on this particular post. There is quite a bit of arrogance being perpetuated on this post considering we are nothing but watered down dustballs. Reading this post thus far reminds me of a bunch of miserable atheletes telling their friends what they’d do if they “really told coach what they thought about him and his style.” Then when the coach walks in, they cower. It is easy to be arrogant when you’re staring at a computer screen trying to write something that will really make you look “good” in front of your good ole atheist cronies. Someday if this God you ridicule does exist, you can say all this to his face. Won’t that feel good- to tell the “coach” what you really think of him. Just be patient, and your number will be called, it may be a heart-attack, the cancer, or simply old age, but we’re all going to get there. We will all get to see him face to face. If he didn’t exist, why would so many people be so determined and go to such great lengths to ridicule him? People who spend a lifetime defaming, spending time and money attempting to discredit, or simply writing line after line defending a belief someone doesn’t exist (when in their minds they already “know” he doesn’t exist) are often times unfortunately vistited in a mental health ward. I have yet to see a bunch of people get together and try to persuade others who disagree that the Sasquatch doesn’t exist. Generally it is thought, if they want to believe that, fine, it may be weird, but fine. Not with God though, there is no saying fine, let them believe in God. There is a whole movement out there to completely erradicate the idea of a concept of a God. But I ask, why God and not the Sasquatch? Why is it that a belief in God poses such a threat, but not the Sasquatch? I’ll leave it at that. Anyway, I don’t agree with much of what is written on this site, but I enjoy the bantering back and forth. You make me think, hopefully I make you think. If someone wants to get personal with me that’s fine, like I said, I’m just looking at a screen and I am secure enough in myself to not let it affect my self-esteem. I am writing this because I believe God exists, I am not using this time to write on another post trying to cure the earth of the dreaded belief in a Sasquatch, considering I don’t believe he exists. Ask yourself, are you spending your time wisely trying to rid the earch of the dreaded belief in a God, considering you already believe he doesn’t exist?

  12. Pascal's Wager
    May 29th, 2006 @ 1:29 am

    Wow, God is taking a hit on this particular post. There is quite a bit of arrogance being perpetuated on this post considering we are nothing but watered down dustballs. Reading this post thus far reminds me of a bunch of miserable atheletes telling their friends what they’d do if they “really told coach what they thought about him and his style.” Then when the coach walks in, they cower. It is easy to be arrogant when you’re staring at a computer screen trying to write something that will really make you look “good” in front of your good ole atheist cronies. Someday if this God you ridicule does exist, you can say all this to his face. Won’t that feel good- to tell the “coach” what you really think of him. Just be patient, and your number will be called, it may be a heart-attack, the cancer, or simply old age, but we’re all going to get there. We will all get to see him face to face. If he didn’t exist, why would so many people be so determined and go to such great lengths to ridicule him? People who spend a lifetime defaming, spending time and money attempting to discredit, or simply writing line after line defending a belief someone doesn’t exist (when in their minds they already “know” he doesn’t exist) are often times unfortunately vistited in a mental health ward. I have yet to see a bunch of people get together and try to persuade others who disagree that the Sasquatch doesn’t exist. Generally it is thought, if they want to believe that, fine, it may be weird, but fine. Not with God though, there is no saying fine, let them believe in God. There is a whole movement out there to completely erradicate the idea of a concept of a God. But I ask, why God and not the Sasquatch? Why is it that a belief in God poses such a threat, but not the Sasquatch? I’ll leave it at that. Anyway, I don’t agree with much of what is written on this site, but I enjoy the bantering back and forth. You make me think, hopefully I make you think. If someone wants to get personal with me that’s fine, like I said, I’m just looking at a screen and I am secure enough in myself to not let it affect my self-esteem. I am writing this because I believe God exists, I am not using this time to write on another post trying to cure the earth of the dreaded belief in a Sasquatch, considering I don’t believe he exists. Ask yourself, are you spending your time wisely trying to rid the earch of the dreaded belief in a God, considering you already believe he doesn’t exist?

  13. Pascal's Wager
    May 29th, 2006 @ 1:29 am

    Wow, God is taking a hit on this particular post. There is quite a bit of arrogance being perpetuated on this post considering we are nothing but watered down dustballs. Reading this post thus far reminds me of a bunch of miserable atheletes telling their friends what they’d do if they “really told coach what they thought about him and his style.” Then when the coach walks in, they cower. It is easy to be arrogant when you’re staring at a computer screen trying to write something that will really make you look “good” in front of your good ole atheist cronies. Someday if this God you ridicule does exist, you can say all this to his face. Won’t that feel good- to tell the “coach” what you really think of him. Just be patient, and your number will be called, it may be a heart-attack, the cancer, or simply old age, but we’re all going to get there. We will all get to see him face to face. If he didn’t exist, why would so many people be so determined and go to such great lengths to ridicule him? People who spend a lifetime defaming, spending time and money attempting to discredit, or simply writing line after line defending a belief someone doesn’t exist (when in their minds they already “know” he doesn’t exist) are often times unfortunately vistited in a mental health ward. I have yet to see a bunch of people get together and try to persuade others who disagree that the Sasquatch doesn’t exist. Generally it is thought, if they want to believe that, fine, it may be weird, but fine. Not with God though, there is no saying fine, let them believe in God. There is a whole movement out there to completely erradicate the idea of a concept of a God. But I ask, why God and not the Sasquatch? Why is it that a belief in God poses such a threat, but not the Sasquatch? I’ll leave it at that. Anyway, I don’t agree with much of what is written on this site, but I enjoy the bantering back and forth. You make me think, hopefully I make you think. If someone wants to get personal with me that’s fine, like I said, I’m just looking at a screen and I am secure enough in myself to not let it affect my self-esteem. I am writing this because I believe God exists, I am not using this time to write on another post trying to cure the earth of the dreaded belief in a Sasquatch, considering I don’t believe he exists. Ask yourself, are you spending your time wisely trying to rid the earch of the dreaded belief in a God, considering you already believe he doesn’t exist?

  14. Rob
    May 29th, 2006 @ 2:19 am

    I’d love to be able to read Pascal’s Wager’s drivel more easily, but while he believes that god exists, he doesn’t appear to believe that paragraphs exist.

  15. Sanebeliever
    May 29th, 2006 @ 3:04 am

    I just stumbled across your site and please don’t take offense, but I am actually laughing right now. You all identify as atheist, but the things that you speak of have nothing to do with God. If you haven’t noticed, the messed up world is caused by humans, yes possibly even religious humans, but God is not to be mistaken for “religious” humans, He is not the bad in the world, he is not “Creationism”, he is not the priests who steal money or molest children, he is not the “bad in the world”. It is almost as if you are blaming Him for all of the crooked stuff in the world, simply because he created it, but last time I checked Adam( and Eve), were the one’s who screwed it up for humans, and God took them back anyway. Look, you all can believe what you want, but just like a philosophy paper, you should examine the strongest arguments and know what you are talking about before you go critiquing it. I am only 20 years old, and I did not grow up in an awfully religious home, I do not believe in “morality”, nor do I belong to any denomination( I am non-denominational), but from what I know to be the truth, God doesn’t expect us to trust every priest ( there are examples of False “priest” in the Bible), GOD does not expect us to be perfect, if we were we wouldn’t need Him, He doesn’t cause pain for his own pleasure( your going to have to look that one up in Job), He didn’t leave traces of evidence for humans to find him, if there was, there would be nothing such as “faith”, He knows that philosophers, people with PhD’s, jaded people,arrogant people, victims, atheist, non-conformist, liberal, even conservative,agnostics, people who think life has to be hard, and peole who feel that He owes them something, will think that they are smarter than Him and that believing in Him is for fanatical, desperate dummies, but it is the other way around. If anything, GOD should NOT be mistaken for “religion”, or “morality”, Blame your fellow humans for that, not GOD. If you are truly strong in your own faith, Atheism I suppose, then you shouldn’t be afraid to open up a Bible and understand the “idea” that you are critiquing, but I am finding that Atheist choose not to believe in a GOD that does not even exist in the firstplace, because they don’t know what GOD actually is. Instead of saying they don’t believe in GOD, they should say they don’t believe in the GOD, who they think GOD is. I think you get the drift. It is the nature of humans to critique what they do not understand,hence rascism and sexual discrimination. May God please Bless you, or shall I say, bless yourself, since God does not exist.

  16. Facehammer
    May 29th, 2006 @ 5:30 am

    Firstly, what’s wrong with us discussing things that aren’t anything to do with god? You seem to have been badly misinformed about atheists, in that in denying the existence of your god, it’s all we ever think about.

    It is almost as if you are blaming Him for all of the crooked stuff in the world, simply because he created it, but last time I checked Adam( and Eve), were the one’s who screwed it up for humans, and God took them back anyway.

    Well, for a start, he must have known about the impending fall, even before he created Adam and Eve, even before he created the world. He’s omniscient, see? But he went ahead and let it, and all the evil that supposedly followed it, happen anyway. And why? There’s absolutely no concievable plausible reason why he would go through all this nonsense rather than just create beings who were incapable of evil yet still kept to whatever he was originally going for. Unless, of course, he wanted to allow an unimaginably vast amount of suffering, because he’s evil. Oh yeah, and do you really think we don’t blame other humans for all this “evil,” whatever that may mean, that exists in the world when we’re applying our own beliefs? We certainly don’t blame any god, BECAUSE THERE ISN’T ONE.

    And why faith? I’ve never seen even one convincing argument of why the mighty god would want to inform his creations of his existence through something so utterly unreliable as a strong inner conviction, or why it’s in any way better than being able to demonstrate his existence for sure. “Evidence be damned, I have a strong inner conviction, and it seems really real, so it must be right!” Why did he give humans (well, some humans) such an immensely powerful intellect, then demand that they turn it off and do what they’re told? Free will? Again, why did god just not create what he wanted without introducing the horrific amount of evil we see everywhere, since he can do anything? And what’s the point, in the end? Wank god’s ego forever or unending torture? Hell of a choice, no pun intended. You don’t know god’s plan? Why not? An awful lot of people do, especially when it seems to be going in their favour. And why would any such plan be beyond the reach of the truly awesome human imagination?

    Far from being a sane believer, it looks like you’ve been heavily indoctrinated against actually sitting down and thinking this stuff through. And one more thing – don’t assume we don’t know anything about your despicable cult – many here were a part of it for considerably longer than you have been alive. No one here, providing they could stump up the time and effort, would be in the least afraid to once more dive into the bible and go over it all one more time, though I suspect many will have done it so many times that they can’t be arsed any more.

  17. bernarda
    May 29th, 2006 @ 9:22 am

    Lay and Skilling ruined thousands of people with their fraud. They can never pay back all that. Nevertheless, the least that could be done is to seize everything they own. All their bank accounts and all their property and all their investments should be confiscated.

    These corporate criminals will continue until there are effective penalties against them. The only thing they understand and respect is money.

    The money and property they bought with it have been stolen. Therefore, they should lose everything. That is the only way to discourage this sort of crime that not only harms individuals but all of society.

    You might say, what about his family? So? What about the families of the thousands of people that they ruined through their criminal activity? Their families have lived very well off the pillage of Lay and Skilling. It is time they learned to work for a living.

  18. Thorngod
    May 29th, 2006 @ 1:04 pm

    P’s Wager, I only speak for myself, but when I criticise “God,” it is the concept I ridicule, not the thing I deny. And I ridicule the idea because of the ignorance it nurtures and the evil it inspires in the name of Jesus, Mohammed, “God,” “Allah,” etc. There is no other concept, false or true, that has caused one tenth the misery and bloodshed–and done so with the blessings of priests….
    Sanebeliever, at twenty, you are well past the age at which you have any appreciable chance of ever fully shedding your belief in the lie in the sky. I recommend at least three hours daily of carefully selected reading and ernest critical thought.

  19. Chris Treborn
    May 29th, 2006 @ 1:48 pm

    Very nice post Sanebeliever, you have identified one of the main problems with these so called “free thunking” atheists. I should warn you though that since you have shown a big gaping hole in their position you will now be relentlessly attacked. The same thing happened to me, so now I rarely bother to share my insights here, because it leads to scorn and rudeness. I wanted to let you know that, from a non-judgemental point of view, what you said was righton target, so don’t be upset by the inevitable hateful response you will recieve. Around here the truth seems to be as popular as herpes, but nowhere near as uniquitous.

  20. Facehammer
    May 29th, 2006 @ 2:58 pm

    Those sure are a lot of big words for someone with no hands, Chris.

  21. Chris Treborn
    May 29th, 2006 @ 4:23 pm

    you sure havea lot of big ideas for someone with no brain facehammer

  22. Chris Treborn
    May 29th, 2006 @ 4:28 pm

    He did not recognize him, for his hands were hairy like those of his brother Esau; so he blessed him.
    Genesis 27:22-24

  23. Rob
    May 29th, 2006 @ 4:36 pm

    And I thought you stopped sharing your insights here because you finally figured out that you don’t have any and didn’t feel like just being a cheerleader for the other theists that post here. I guess you proved me wrong.

  24. Chris Treborn
    May 29th, 2006 @ 7:12 pm

    Rod, I have proved you wrong many times. Get used to it devil boy.

  25. tholin
    May 29th, 2006 @ 11:00 pm

    Scroll…yawn…click.

  26. Chris Treborn
    May 29th, 2006 @ 11:17 pm

    tholin said:

    Scroll…yawn…dick.

  27. Thorngod
    May 30th, 2006 @ 7:52 am

    Another yawn here.
    Sanebe, what the hell do you mean that you “don’t believe in ‘morality'”? But you do believe in Adam & Eve, and Original Sin!!! The declarations of believers are wondrous things!

  28. Facehammer
    May 30th, 2006 @ 10:24 am

    tholin said:

    Scroll…yawn…dick.

    LOL! (irony, Chris).

    And you say I have a “small brain.” Chris, you’re an embarrasment to your species. Whatever that may be.

  29. Chris treborn
    May 30th, 2006 @ 12:36 pm

    facehammer, learn what the word irony means. Then learn that JEsus loves you, even though you may be a fool. His love is unconditional, as long as you believe in Him. God bless you.

  30. Los Pepes
    May 30th, 2006 @ 1:13 pm

    Hey Treborn – you’re going to hell for using that screen name.

  31. Facehammer
    May 30th, 2006 @ 1:18 pm

    There is no god, Chris. Go and get yourself a sense of humour, then come back. Or, er, don’t, as you’re just too funny as you are.

    Oh yeah, and learn what the word unconditional means. You fucking spastic.

  32. Chris Treborn
    May 30th, 2006 @ 1:30 pm

    how unexpected, malicious insults from small children. Again my position is vindicated by your own hands. That, my godless friends, is real irony.

  33. Facehammer
    May 30th, 2006 @ 1:43 pm

    Are you going to look up unconditional or not?

  34. Facehammer
    May 30th, 2006 @ 1:59 pm

    Hey Chris, why don’t you answer my earlier post (14), since sanebeliever doesn’t seem to want to? If you don’t, or if you answer it unsatisfactorily, I’ll have proved that there isn’t a god, and that all christians are slow, bumbling dullards lacking intellect, wit and humour. The power of vindication is in your hands (well, stumps) now, my paraplegic friend.

  35. Los Pepes
    May 30th, 2006 @ 2:30 pm

    Hey Treborn – so are you really like “Christ Reborn”? Man, that sounds rough, using that as a screen name when you’re a good christian buy. You’re going to hell for it.

  36. Los Pepes
    May 30th, 2006 @ 2:44 pm

    Treborn said:

    “how unexpected, malicious insults from small children. Again my position is vindicated by your own hands. That, my godless friends, is real irony. ”

    You mean it’s not a black fly in your chardonney?

  37. Facehammer
    May 30th, 2006 @ 3:52 pm

    He’s gone awfully quiet. Guess I win. Yeah, you dopey, inbred cockholster, Treborn – conclusive proof, as if any more were needed, that your cult is based on nothing more than fear of the dark. Are you down with the syndrome?

  38. hermesten
    May 30th, 2006 @ 4:05 pm

    I guess we’re supposed to fear PW’s God, and quake in our boots at the thought of an audience with the old jerkoff. What loving father doesn’t want his children filled with fear at the thought of a heartfelt conversation? Ah, the beauty of that Christian love.

    But then, doesn’t the old bastard already know exactly what I think of him? We hear endlessly about the “loving God,” but the last word of every Christian is always fear. You’ll get yours your stupid atheists. Our loving God is going to bend you over and give it to you good and hard. Don’t you just love the Christian love?

    And it’s funny, isn’t it, how all these corporate criminals are all such good Christians?

  39. Chris Treborn
    May 31st, 2006 @ 3:50 am

    you can’t taunt me face hammer. The power of Christ is with us all, wheter you choose to understand it or not. God Bless You, asshole.

  40. Facehammer
    May 31st, 2006 @ 9:57 am

    Yes, that’s it Chris. Give in to your hate. Burn me down with your christian rhetoric. Go on, insult me more. You have already come far down the path to becoming a foulmouthed atheist. Join us.

  41. hermesten
    May 31st, 2006 @ 10:14 am

    Yeah Face, you Devil you: “the power of Christ compels you!” Sounds like CT may have seen the Exorcist one too many times.

  42. Choobus
    May 31st, 2006 @ 2:03 pm

    God bless you asshole! I love you Chris!

  43. Jahrta
    May 31st, 2006 @ 2:39 pm

    Please don’t refer to this dickless wonder as “CT” – it makes me think about Connecticut when you do that, and I grew up there. The last thing I want to associate with my old stompin’ grounds would be the brainless ramblings of this psychotic little cock monkey

  44. hermesten
    May 31st, 2006 @ 2:50 pm

    I apologize for any unpleasant association. When I used CT (I also used to live in CT btw) I was thinking of something else entirely. I suspect that the guy who you call the little cock monkey may be quite the little cock teaser –not that there is anything wrong with that.

  45. Jahrta
    May 31st, 2006 @ 3:04 pm

    What part of CT did you live in? I grew up in Wilton (pretty close to Norwalk and Westport – the south western “tip” of the state.

  46. hermmesten
    June 1st, 2006 @ 5:46 pm

    I lived in the Groton area for several years. I loved the CT seacoast.

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