The Raving Theist

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God Favors Fat Black People: Medical Study

May 23, 2006 | 11 Comments

Jackson, Mississippi, May 23, 2006
Special to The Raving Atheist

Doctors have discovered that overweight African-Americans who regularly participate in religious activities have lower blood pressure than their less-faithful counterparts.

The study, conducted between 2000 and 2004 with 5,300 African-Americans living near Jackson, Miss., was presented yesterday at the American Society for Hypertension’s annual meeting at the Hilton New York on Sixth Ave.

“God likes blacks best, especially the plump ones,” said Dr. Sharon Wyatt, who led the study. She noted that another recent study, conducted upon the predominately white population, concluded that God does not otherwise listen to prayers seeking help with heart problems.

The finding did not surprise spiritual leaders.

“I have always felt this,” said the 270 pound Rev. Al Sharpton. “It shows that people who are somewhat submissive to a higher calling or a faith can be less stressed and less worried.”

Sharpton said he has watched people go through traumas since he began preaching as a child, and has seen that faith reduces stress. “But I have noticed an unusual increase in stress among whites when I bring my ministry to their neighborhoods,” he said.

God confirmed that he had a soft spot for larger, darker humans. “When America needed people capable of toiling long hours in hot sun, I knew I couldn’t depend on thin whites to do it,” he said. “The hardy African folk I shipped over not only got the job done, but learned to sing praises to my Son while doing it. And He’s never forgotten how they abandoned their false idols for Him.”

The Rev. Shepherd Lee of the Baptist Temple Church in Harlem agreed.

“Say I have a $2,000 light bill due Friday, I don’t have to worry because I know Jesus Christ will help me find a way to pay it,” Lee said. “We know that Christ will come, we don’t have to stress about it.”

Jesus said he was a bit strapped for cash this month but said he would most certainly send Rev. Lee a link to the useful energy conservation tips on Con Edison’s website. He added that no matter what happens effective midnight on June 1st, “it is always better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.” And even if the candles run out, Jesus said, fat jolly black people will always have his R-E-S-P-E-C-T and get sky in the pie when they die.


11 Responses to “God Favors Fat Black People: Medical Study”

  1. Mister Swill
    May 23rd, 2006 @ 11:27 pm

    This comes as news only to those who are unfamiliar with the groundbreaking 1992 hip-hop album that God released under the name “Sir Smite-A-Lot.”

  2. Some Guy
    May 24th, 2006 @ 2:04 pm

    Do you think this ‘Everything will work out’ frame of mind is something that is particular to affluent countries? I can’t really imagine an AIDS-ridden family starving to death in 3rd World Africa saying something like “Jesus will come through for us. He’s just going to crash through our roof with some take-out…any time now… He always does!”

  3. Lily
    May 24th, 2006 @ 4:49 pm

    Some Guy: I think you are exactly right. That is why many theists ™, like me, really hate what we call the “Health and Wealth Gospel”. We think it fundamentally distorts the message of Christianity. I’d say more but I feel a tirade coming on…

  4. Thorngod
    May 25th, 2006 @ 7:58 am

    God also comes in chocolate. Just-revealed results indicate that chocolate consumption increases mental acuity, and I had noticed some time ago that the most simple-minded Christians of my acqaintance are chocolate gluttons.

  5. Righteous Bubba
    May 25th, 2006 @ 4:51 pm

    God also comes in chocolate.

    Hey, I don’t tell you the ingredients list of hot-dogs, you leave my chocolate alone.

  6. thedarkbackward
    May 25th, 2006 @ 6:53 pm

    I think you guys are missing the obvious here:

    God likes black people ’cause they taste good…so he let’s ‘em get all plump and tender before he…well…”calls them home”.

  7. Mister Swill
    May 25th, 2006 @ 9:04 pm

    If what you say is true, thedarkbackward, then God has more than one habit he needs to kick.

  8. Thorngod
    May 26th, 2006 @ 8:27 am

    Just so I’m not misunderstood, my comment on chocolate was not meant as a metaphor. A recently concluded study actually indicates that eating chocolate does enhance one’s mental capacity!

  9. dietnutritionprof
    October 17th, 2009 @ 10:34 am

    Undercooked eggs were the most commonly eaten risky food. That includes eggs served sunny-side up as well as raw eggs used in preparation of hollandaise sauce, meringue, Caesar salad dressing, and the like.

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