The Raving Theist

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Nation Unified by Senator Clinton’s Scripture-Talk

March 24, 2006 | 14 Comments

Washington, D.C., March 24, 2006
Special to The Raving Atheist

Senator Hillary Clinton yesterday united Americans of all political affiliations, religious beliefs and IQ levels by invoking the Bible in a speech criticizing an immigration bill, all but assuring her election to the presidency in 2008.

“It is hard to believe that a Republican leadership that is constantly talking about values and about faith would put forth such a mean-spirited piece of legislation,” she said of the measure. “It is certainly not in keeping with my understanding of the Scripture because this bill would literally criminalize the Good Samaritan and probably even Jesus himself.”

Clyde Werbell of Biloxi Mississippi lauded Mrs. Clinton for her attempt to bride the faith gap. “I appreciate her direct appeal to my church-going, snake-handling demographic,” he said. “Her allusion to the lamb whose blood was shed for our salvation has eliminated my suspicions that she belongs to a liberal secularist elite that is hostile to making speaking-in-tongues the official, national language.”

Nationally-syndicated columnist Michelle Malkin expressed skepticism at the former First Lady’s faith-based speech, but said she was powerless to criticize the Senator. “At most I could point out her hypocrisy in failing to quote Jesus on other social issues, but there is no getting around the fact that she did rely on Him this time,” she said. “And although Our Savior clearly supports tighter border controls and internment camps for immigrants from Samaria and other Arab-sounding countries, it would be unseemly to push that point too hard — I am checkmated.”

Rev. Barry Lynn of Americans United for Separation of Church and State similarly stated that he would not fault Senator Clinton for her comments. “Her transparent pandering in no way represents a lessened commitment to our shared atheistic mission to drive every last trace of religious superstition from the public square,” he said. “While she might have pointed out that Vishnu, Zeus and Allah also oppose the immigration bill, I understand that our otherwise pluralistically democratic society is still not quite ready for that level of cynical faith-mongering.”


14 Responses to “Nation Unified by Senator Clinton’s Scripture-Talk”

  1. Mookie
    March 24th, 2006 @ 1:02 pm

    I always knew if I ever became a politician, I would use the bible to my great advantage. A book so full of nonsense and contradictions can be made to support any stance, even opposing views on the same issue! She is smart to have done this, because few republicans will question the bible; they just don’t like it that a librul is getting her filthy hands all over the good book.

  2. Lily
    March 24th, 2006 @ 2:51 pm

    You live in your own little world, don’t you, Mookie?

  3. jahrta
    March 24th, 2006 @ 2:57 pm

    Lily…I have three words for you, consider it a word puzzle for the sentiment expressed in your post above:


  4. Graham
    March 24th, 2006 @ 3:20 pm

    If I were elected President, I’d cite the bible as a reason for men to be barred from entering the houses of women who were on their period (it’s in Leviticus). Even though we’d be homeless for a couple days each month, sleeping on the sidewalk is much preferable to staying in a house with a overly-emotional lunatic who hates my penis.

  5. Mookie
    March 24th, 2006 @ 4:16 pm


    This website is clothed in enough nationalism to be trustworthy, why don’t you check it out? You can also test it by comparing it with your own bible. Oh the joy of reading obsolete texts!

  6. Lily
    March 24th, 2006 @ 4:55 pm

    I don’t much care for nationalism, thank you. I do find it incredible that you think that “few republicans will question the bible” which is so idiotic as to be contemptible, as is your apparent belief that her cynical appeal to the Bible has any relationship to what it actually teaches. She looks and sounds ridiculous to those of us who actually have a passing acquaintance with the contents of that book, when she tries to pretend that she does, too. Us rednecks ain’t fooled by the likes of her …

  7. Ole Blue
    March 24th, 2006 @ 5:31 pm

    My bible said that Santa Clause loves immagrants just as much as other people. The Easter Bunny loves us too, and Clinton is funny for using the Stupublican biblical prpaganda against them.

  8. Baby Hillary
    March 24th, 2006 @ 6:25 pm

    Good for you Ole Blue, we bought our “bibles” at the same store!

  9. SBW
    March 24th, 2006 @ 10:06 pm

    Someone should ask Mrs. Clinton would Jesus support a womans right to partial-birth abortion for any and every reason.

    This lady is full of sh*t. She will say anything and everything to place herself on the popular side of any argument. Any Democrat stupid enough to think this woman can be president is a complete fool. I’ve ALWAYS voted Democratic and I wouldn’t vote for her.

  10. Eva, Mod.
    March 25th, 2006 @ 12:13 am

    i have always blamed bill clinton for blurriying (sp?) the line between democrats and republicans to where it is really hard to distingiush them from each other.
    hillary here is taking this just a step beyond.

    buh-bye democrats!

  11. Tom
    March 25th, 2006 @ 3:41 am

    To me, a politician who pretends to invoke the bible is as much an embarrassment as one who means it.

  12. Michael Bains
    March 25th, 2006 @ 5:33 pm

    No one has mentioned the fact that she’s also panderin’ to a miniscule, but once solidly Democrat, voting block: Mexicans (read Quasi-Catholics.)

    Who the HEKK cares about Immigration issues in light of Presidential obliteration of the Constitution?

    She should have been quoting Feingold and letting these folks know that it doesn’t matter to Neocons whether you’re a US citizen or not; they’re gonna ignore your rights no matter where you were born.

    Then she could have said something about invading Mexico to help that country get it’s Economy upgraded to the point where folks don’t need to illegally cross into neighboring countries just to earn a living. I’m sure el biblow has tonnes of passages on that timeless conundrum.

  13. eriemiller
    March 25th, 2006 @ 7:26 pm

    i love it when someone trumps the fringe right with their own weapon: religion. ms clinton doesn’t believe this crap any more than you or i do, but it’s sure effective.

  14. hermesten
    March 27th, 2006 @ 10:40 am

    Good God, there is no better way of assuring a Republican victory in the next presidental race than running Hillary Clinton for the Democrats. The Republicans who are disgusted by Bush and might vote democratic won’t be able to hold their noses and vote for Hillary. And Hillary is likely to shut out the independent vote as well. Hillary wants to out-murder Bush. Hillary isn’t Bush-lite, she’s high calorie Bush. The only potential positive of a Hillary presidency is that all the Bush-whores who call themselves “Republicans” may oppose all the shit they support when it comes from Bush just because it’s coming from Hillary.

    And those of you, especially atheists, who think Hillary’s Bible hypocrisy is clever, need to think about what it means to have another demagogue in office. Demogogues aren’t seeking social justice, all they want is more power, and it doesn’t matter if their orientation is left instead of right. Demogoguery is the opposite of the rule-of-law. You don’t create a just society, a fair society, or a society where individuals have rights, by appealing to the mob. Atheists aren’t going to find themselves better off in a country of rule by the lowest common denominator.

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