The Raving Theist

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March 15, 2006 | 8 Comments

Orthodox Jewish law was enforced in New York by state-retained Rabbis for a century before its Kosher statutes were struck down as unconstitutional in 2002. The state nevertheless continues to finance the Divison of Kosher Law Enforcement, which maintains an equally unlawful registration scheme. I once toyed with the idea of registering a Kosher ham just to mock the system — but as it turns out, the Orthodox Union has beat me to the punch. According to the Division’s website, the organization certifies the following Leviticus-forbidden, cloven-hooved, cud-chewing, bottom-dwelling reprobate abominations:

Pork and beans;

Bacon bits;



The pork, bacon and shrimp apparently employ artificial flavoring, but still. And the rabbit? It’s chocolate — presumably for that most special of Jewish holidays.


8 Responses to “Certifiable”

  1. Rufus
    March 15th, 2006 @ 1:34 am

    SHRIMP & PORK EGG ROLL is an approved kosher food!?!?

    Shouldn’t they add bacon to that dish? And maybe some cheeseburger and communion cracker too?

    March 15th, 2006 @ 8:12 am

    “the blood from the circumcision of newly born boys” ….
    is Kosher though :)

    These rituals are just tooooo funny!

  3. Dada Saves
    March 15th, 2006 @ 10:55 am

    Can you register the Eucharist? That’ll make them say ‘oy.’

  4. chemoelectric
    March 15th, 2006 @ 11:57 am

    I think it’s supposed to say non-cud-chewing, although rabbits are into pellet-chewing. :)

  5. Aaron Kinney
    March 15th, 2006 @ 12:11 pm

    No excuses RA! They are using fake flavoring. I want real glazed Ham meat with a real swasticka carved into the side of it.

    Come on, you should totally apply for kosher certification with real ham products. Take it to the breaking point and see just how neutral the state is with religion!

  6. Los Pepes
    March 15th, 2006 @ 9:17 pm

    Christ man, everyone loves bacon!



    Salty goodness…

    I am now only buying kosher bacon, I want to get my torah on!

  7. The Atheist Jew
    March 16th, 2006 @ 12:25 pm

    If god didn’t want us to eat bacon he wouldn’t have created them to taste so good.

  8. markm
    March 16th, 2006 @ 5:28 pm

    How about kosher bacon cheeseburgers, with a side of shrimp (unless you can figure out how to violate that taboo in a hamburger, too).

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