The Raving Theist

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Muslims Demand School Holiday to Celebrate Child-Killing

January 12, 2006 | 15 Comments

New York, New York, January 12, 2006
Special to The Raving Atheist

Muslim parents expressed outrage yesterday that New York state scheduled critical reading exams on Eid ul-Adha — a holiday commemorating Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his own son for God. In Islamic practice the observance is second in sacredness only to Choppa ul Bee-atch, which celebrates a man’s right to behead a talkative wife.

Some questioned whether educational objectives were furthered by canceling tests to promote child slaughter. Muslim leaders, however, condemned school officials for insensitivity. Noting that the Jewish holiday of Passover celebrates the mass murder of first-borns by the avenging angel of death, Syed Jamil Mohsin demanded equal treatment for Muslim massacres. Mohsin said that it would be a tragedy if his son was off answering math questions on a day that a sonorous, disembodied voice beckoned him to drive a knife through the child’s chest for no apparent reason.

School chancellor Joel Klein apologized for the oversight. “Whether it’s the Incan practice of burying their children alive or the Hawaiian rite of hurling them into volcanos, we respect religious diversity,” he said. “Although we suspended alternate side of the street parking rules to honor of the infanticidal orgy, somehow we forgot to take the tests off the calendar.” Klein suggested that in the future all child-killing holidays be combined for observance on January 22, the secular celebration of legalized baby killing.


15 Responses to “Muslims Demand School Holiday to Celebrate Child-Killing”

  1. sternwallow
    January 12th, 2006 @ 12:56 pm

    We can be sure that the lively and forthright give and take between the government and the several religions will result in unanimous acceptance of January 22 for this celebration of children as the most important sacrificial resource in the land.
    Some other dates that were offered for consideration were:
    December Seventh – Pearl Harbor Day,
    Passover – already mentioned,
    September Eleventh – you know what.

    This welcome addition to the list of religious holidays in the secular calendar increases the number by an astonishing 100%, leading some observers to refuse to work any day at all if it has a religious component. St. Swithin’s Day (15th July) comes readily to mind.

  2. Mookie
    January 12th, 2006 @ 1:14 pm

    Is there an atheism day? Maybe that special day in the year that folks feel compelled to challenge/question their beliefs in the supernatural.

  3. Dick Durata
    January 12th, 2006 @ 1:18 pm

    God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son.”,
    Abe said, “Man, you must be putting me on.”,
    God said, “No.”,
    Abe said, “What?”,
    God said, “You can do what you want, Abe, but the next time you see me coming you better run.”,
    Abe said, “Where do want this killing done?”,
    God said, “Out on Highway 61.”
    -B. Dylan

  4. benjamin
    January 12th, 2006 @ 1:43 pm

    I like it mookie. I like it a lot. Secular Consideration day or some such thing. I wish Schulz were alive to create a Charlie Brown special for it.

  5. franky
    January 12th, 2006 @ 3:04 pm

    hahahahahaha, absolutely terrific

  6. jahrta
    January 12th, 2006 @ 3:07 pm

    if you guys love tragic irony and dark humor, check out these numbers:

  7. godsarefake
    January 12th, 2006 @ 3:10 pm

    The obvious significance that you are missing RA is that these tests are being administered at an incredibly critical point in these childrens’ academic careers — 3rd and 5th grade. I mean I missed those tests too due to religious considerations and I had to take them on another day with my friends Mahmud and Faid. I swear this one thing was responsible for keeping us all out of all the best colleges!

  8. Jonboy
    January 12th, 2006 @ 3:18 pm

    Come on guys, God is a reasonable guy. If you are unwilling to sacrifice your children, He would happily settle for a pigeon:

    Leviticus 1:14 And if the burnt sacrifice for his offering to the LORD be of fowls, then he shall bring his offering of turtledoves, or of young pigeons.
    1:15 And the priest shall bring it unto the altar, and wring off his head, and burn it on the altar; and the blood thereof shall be wrung out at the side of the altar:
    1:16 And he shall pluck away his crop with his feathers, and cast it beside the altar on the east part, by the place of the ashes:
    1:17 And he shall cleave it with the wings thereof, but shall not divide it asunder: and the priest shall burn it upon the altar, upon the wood that is upon the fire: it is a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the LORD.

    Actually this reads alot like the Kenny Rogers Roasters employee manual. Talk about a sweet savour….. mmmmmmmm

  9. Justin Winokur
    January 12th, 2006 @ 5:45 pm

    “future all child-killing holidays be combined for observance on January 22, the secular celebration of legalized baby killing.”

    The RA should be glad that isn’t a Hell because if he did, he would be going there for that comment. Don’t get me wrong, i am not saying you shouldn’t have said it. As soon as i realized what it was, i laughed my ass-off. That only means that i will be joining you.

  10. The Atheologist
    January 13th, 2006 @ 8:46 am


    Believe it or not, the “devil stoning” stampede deaths, like the ones that happened yesterday, may be greatly reduced or totally eliminated in the future, due to the adoption of baseball in the Arab world.

  11. sternwallow
    January 13th, 2006 @ 9:17 pm

    In GB, Charles Darwin’s birthday (in Feb I think) is celebrated as a strictly secular observance, though not granted government sanctioned “holiday” status.

  12. mark
    January 15th, 2006 @ 11:55 am


    I have to say that being an atheist in Britain I have never become aware of any celebrations to mark Darwin’s birthday (12th of February).

    He does appear on the ten pound note (which places no trust in higher powers by the way). Most of us just celebrate the Christian/Pagan festival dates and ignore the religious bits.

  13. sternwallow
    January 15th, 2006 @ 11:21 pm

    Darwin’s 200th Birthday will occur on February 12, 2009; it will also be the 150th Anniversary of the publication of his famous book On The Origin of Species. So, together we have time to evolve a truly International Celebration to show our appreciation for the enormous benefits that scientific knowledge, acquired through human curiosity and ingenuity, has contributed to the advancement of humanity.

  14. lost_in_thought
    January 16th, 2006 @ 11:46 pm

    Jewish Passover is actually a celebration NOT of the fact that first-borns were killed, but of the fact that the first-borns of those who properly prepared the passover feast and put the blood on their doors were preserved. It is not a celebration of murder, but a celebration of God’s deliverance of the Jewish people, both the first borns who were spared, and the termination of the enslavement of the Jewish people. In case you were wondering, no I am not Jewish.

  15. Mark
    January 17th, 2006 @ 5:34 am

    So, are Jews upset that G-d killed the children of non-Jews on Passover?

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