The Raving Theist

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Hajj Pilgrimage Nabs Honors as Safest Devil-Stoning Event

January 13, 2006 | 12 Comments

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, January 13, 2006
Special to The Raving Atheist

J.D. Powerhouse & Associates has awarded the annual hajj devil-stoning pilgrimage its highest overall ranking in the Religious Stampede Safety category.

The Power Circle Excellence Award honors hajj’s safety record over a seventeen-year span, during which time only seven stampedes resulted mass fatalities. J.D. Powerhouse spokesman Ken Braddock noted that just 345 pilgrim corpses were loaded into refrigerated trucks in this week’s outing, up only slightly up from the 244 crushed to death in 2004 and significantly lower that 1,426 trampled in 1990.

In the ritual, all the pilgrims must pass “pillars” called al-Jamarat, which represent the devil and which the faithful pelt with stones to purge themselves of sin. “Considering that they’re hurling rocks at the most powerful evil being in the universe, it’s a wonder they’re not all dead,”said Braddock. Joining in the accolades, officials from Iran, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kuwait, Macedonia, Malaysia, the Philippines, South Africa and Thailand boasted that none of their citizens perished lemming-like under the sea of writhing, crazed humanity.

Moreover, Saudi Interior Ministry spokesman Maj. Gen. Mansour al-Turki insisted the event was “completely safe” and that no deaths should be attributed to the stampede itself. “This was fate destined by God,” he said. “Some of the pilgrims were undisciplined and hasty to finish the ritual as soon as possible.” J.D. Powerhouse said that it was considering a proposal to exclude self-inflicted casualties, and hinted that if it did hajj might snatch the All Categories Lifetime Achievement Award away from the Ford Pinto.


12 Responses to “Hajj Pilgrimage Nabs Honors as Safest Devil-Stoning Event”

  1. The Atheologist
    January 13th, 2006 @ 11:57 am

    Even more good news – the number of “devil stoning” stampede deaths, may be even greatly reduced or totally eliminated in the future, due to the adoption of baseball in the Arab world. It looks like hajj devil stoning pilgrimage has The Power Circle Excellence Award clinched for years to come.

  2. Thorngod
    January 13th, 2006 @ 11:58 am

    Osama bin Laden, having exhausted most of his wealth, is reportedly attempting to raise more funds, in part through tee shirt sales. His first offering is one with a large gore-colored splash, on which are emblazoned the words, “God is great! I survived the hajj.”

  3. Jahrta
    January 13th, 2006 @ 11:59 am

    Great post, RA

    This whole thing is so fucking stupid that I find it laughable. Any time religious morons want to trample each other to throw stones at “the devil,” all any of us can do is sit back, relax, and enjoy the carnage. This happens every year so it’s not as if anyone can say they didn’t see it coming. I also love how the officials say “hey, don’t blame us for not setting up or enforcing safety standards in our ass-backwards country – it was god’s will that his faithfull be trampled underfoot like grapes in nappa valley as they followed the strict eddicts of their holy book.”

  4. nukh
    January 13th, 2006 @ 12:38 pm

    My first viewing of your very ireverrent blog and I am in love.
    I am hooked. I have fallen. I stand stunned.
    I am going to step out and start singing.
    And hitherto, I thought that I was all alone in this world.
    Rejoice, for I have seen the light..and the light has a great sense of humour……………you get my drift.

  5. qedpro
    January 13th, 2006 @ 4:41 pm

    Is it me or does its seem that muslims or arabs in general are genetically pre-disposed to trample one another. I mean really. i’ve heard new reports of tramplings in Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia. WTF????
    Lucky for the Christians they have that “Thou shalt not trample thy neighbour, his goat, or his wife” commandment (or something like that). I think it was commandment number 13. This commandment was lost of course when moses dropped the second tablet.

  6. sternwallow
    January 13th, 2006 @ 9:12 pm

    The 13th and other commandments were lost when Moses ran out of fingers.

  7. June
    January 13th, 2006 @ 11:13 pm

    No NO NO NO NO! You don’t get it, you faithless lot.

    The faithful who die are the lucky ones, whom God takes to Paradise to enjoy eternal milk and honey and apples and virgins.

  8. F.Z.
    January 14th, 2006 @ 12:34 am

    This is a really great site. Keep it up! I will be reading regularly from now on.

    Some blogs you might like… – The Libertarian Defender – Kill the Afterlife – Evangelical Atheist

    Lots of great stuff to find in the blogosphere. Cheers!

  9. Mark Plus
    January 15th, 2006 @ 12:28 pm

    Honestly, what does it take to embarrass people about the stupidity of their beliefs? Christians may laugh at those naive and ignorant heretics, but in simpler times many christians hallucinated appearances of “devils” and sought to drive them away. The story of how Martin Luther threw an inkwell at satan probably arose as an urban legend, but it did reflect how premodern Europeans minds worked under the influence of christian beliefs.

  10. Richard
    January 16th, 2006 @ 10:18 am

    It is interesting that no theists have responded to this piece, bashing RA’s crass insensitivity to the faith-induced deaths of Muslims, as they did in such numbers to his item on the Sago miners.

    Or is it that … white Christians in the USA endure enough oppression and hatred already without RA piling on.

  11. Michael Bains
    January 16th, 2006 @ 4:28 pm

    “Considering that they’re hurling rocks at the most powerful evil being in the universe, it’s a wonder they’re not all dead,”

    In your typical, inimitable fashion. Brilliant! But dude, that Pinto stuff is soooo dated! LOL!

    To Richard It’s more likely that the “white Christians” in the US love seeing muslims kill themselves even more than TRA does! (Not all, or likely even a majority of ‘em, of course. {I hate having to add that caveat, but there it is…})

  12. Richard
    January 16th, 2006 @ 9:28 pm


    Wasn’t the sarcasm obvious. I guess emoticons are required.

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