The Raving Theist

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God Squad Review CLI (Internet Use/Retirement)

December 5, 2005 | 10 Comments

A woman whose husband spends all night on the computer every weekend asks the Squad how to save her 20-year marriage. Although he never leaves the house, all her friends think he’s met someone on the internet. The Squad has its suspicions, too:

Your friends are probably right. Nobody stays up for hours on the Internet researching the mating practices of the Australian platypus. Our guess is Internet porn or chat rooms. If your husband is never gone, however, it’sunlikely he’s connected with anyone. But that could soon follow. There are computer programs to track his Net surfing, and of course you can check up on credit card charges to porn sites.

* * *

You must help your husband remember that the best place to have fun is with family. The Bible reminds us that we can’t just let other people throw their lives away: “You shall surely reproach your neighbor if you see him sin or his sin will be yours as well” (Leviticus 19:17).

What a cynical bunch. Why wouldn’t a guy be interested in this at 4:00 a.m.? I can’t imagine where they got such a low opinion of men. And didn’t they ever hear of “blogging”? Guys have intellectual needs, too. How do they know that the man isn’t running some Catholic site, or perhaps churning out a weekly post attacking their column? No need to call the dogs on him like that (and why not just burst into the computer room real quick to see what’s on the screen rather than some buying some complicated tracking program?).

In any event, Leviticus 19 is not the solution. Maybe 19:17 is okay, but 19:20 says he can sleep with an unemancipated slave girl as long as he sacrifices a ram in front of a tent afterwards. And under 19:19, the guy’s wife could get in trouble for wearing a wool/linen blend.

On the other hand, Leviticus does have the virtue of definiteness. That’s more than I can say about the Squad’s answer to the next letter, from a retiree who’s “getting bored playing golf and cards and going to early-bird specials.” He’s tried mediation and a number of preachers, but is just depressed and confused. The Squad advises him to do something — literally:

Our advice on how to hear God’s commands for your life when you are spiritually clueless is similar to our advice to people who are clueless on how to pick a career: Do something. Then, after you’re doing something for a while, think about whether it’s working for you spiritually. If it isn’t working, then do something else. If the something else also does not float your spiritual boat and you don’t feel that your life is in synch with God, our final can’t miss advice is: Do something else that isn’t like the two things you just did.

And to think these two command a $12,500 appearance fee. They could at least make specific suggestions. For example, the man could try taking up golf or cards or going to early-bird specials. If none of those work, he could something completely different like meditation or church. It’s can’t-miss advice!


10 Responses to “God Squad Review CLI (Internet Use/Retirement)”

  1. franky
    December 6th, 2005 @ 9:59 am

    What happened to your site? Why was it down?

  2. The Raving Atheist
    December 6th, 2005 @ 12:03 pm

    Spam problems.

  3. Dada Saves
    December 6th, 2005 @ 12:50 pm

    “How do they know that the man isn’trunning some Catholic site, or perhaps churning out a weekly post …”

    I’m sure he’s churning something out.

  4. HappyNat
    December 6th, 2005 @ 2:05 pm

    The internet has so much more than just porn and slutty temptresses. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.

  5. chris
    December 6th, 2005 @ 2:40 pm

    whats up with the poor spelling. did the power of god leave your spell checker?

  6. Adam
    December 6th, 2005 @ 4:07 pm

    I would have recommended asking her husband what he’s doing and having a loving talk about their sexual relationship, but hey, I’m just an atheist, what do I know?

  7. Rev_Holy_Fire
    December 6th, 2005 @ 7:48 pm


    Read Leviticus more carefully.

  8. Tomek
    December 7th, 2005 @ 6:08 am


    I guess some mythical book written but clueless people almost 2000 years ago has more validity than todays cutting edge science.

  9. Borgia
    December 7th, 2005 @ 7:56 am

    Does the GodSquad have a disappearance fee? If so, we should start a pool….

  10. MBains
    December 9th, 2005 @ 4:03 am

    LOL! “a disappearance fee…” heh heh.

    And maybe the 2nd guy should take TRA’s advice and oh, I don’t know… write a letter to some befuddled astrology-like column in the paper. That would certainly count as something.

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