The Raving Theist

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If You Were God

November 20, 2005 | 52 Comments

If you woke up and found you were God all alone in the universe at the beginning of time, what would you do?


52 Responses to “If You Were God”

  1. Snap Crafter
    November 20th, 2005 @ 12:34 am

    Create hot babes and masturbate/have sex, hard.

  2. ElDiablo
    November 20th, 2005 @ 2:06 am

    I would have created a PS2 and played games for all eternity.
    If that didn’t keep me occupied, I would have done what Snap Crafter said.

  3. alan ganem
    November 20th, 2005 @ 3:39 am

    Create 2005 as it now stands with me as the greatest baseball player that the world has ever seen.
    That and mmmmm…. all the hot babes that I want.

  4. Mijae
    November 20th, 2005 @ 5:36 am

    I’d amuse myself for a while by setting up one of those conditional free-will scenarios that I and many other atheists like to argue about. Where people don’t have the free will to kill or seriously hurt each other, in the same way they don’t have the free will to fly by simply flapping their arms. I’d also appear and prove myself regularly to my creation down below, completely throwing out the whole idea of faith.

    I imagine this would result in a world somewhat like a MMORPG. People could still use their free will to compete and have varying levels of success and accomplishment, they can help and hinder one another… but can’t actually kill anybody for real. They could always respawn. Pain would be minimal. And while I may have power over all of them, I’d be more like a Game Master, just helping things run smoothly while they have fun.

    I would then resurrect all the people from this version of the universe, so I could point to my world and laugh at the old theists for thinking their silly idea of God was better and made more sense.

  5. leon
    November 20th, 2005 @ 6:34 am

    Why was I sleeping?

  6. Francois Tremblay
    November 20th, 2005 @ 9:24 am

    Nothing. There would be no motivation or interest for an infinite being to create or do anything.

  7. Beolf
    November 20th, 2005 @ 9:59 am

    Nothing. There would be no motivation or interest for an infinite being to create or do anything. FC

    Interesting. An infinite being would not be lonely, bored or currious. What possible motivation could there be?

  8. Mort Coyle
    November 20th, 2005 @ 12:21 pm


  9. Rob
    November 20th, 2005 @ 1:19 pm

    Well then Mort, If I as a god had love as a motivation, then I’d made other gods. After all, Its a simple matter for one with endless power to give endless power to others, and love is much more satisfying among equals, right? I suppose some gods would prefer to have billions of pets to love, but I’ve never been much of a pet person.

  10. June
    November 20th, 2005 @ 1:49 pm

    no plan
    no rules
    do nothing
    go nowhere
    being perfect
    never got laid
    knowing everything
    same shit every day
    no need to eat or sleep
    knowing how it will come out
    no point in planning anything
    haunted by my past incompetence
    like that fucked up solar system
    where my idiot son got himself killed
    sometimes I wish I could kill myself
    it’s hard to know I will fail again
    but I will fail again and again
    being god should be more fun
    knowing everything sucks
    being perfect sucks
    never get laid
    go nowhere
    do nothing
    no rules
    no plan

  11. Jim
    November 20th, 2005 @ 3:05 pm

    I’d spend six days creating a planet, but while I was doing it I’d plant fake “fossils” and otherwise make it look like the planet had been around for billions of years and that life had evolved slowly over that time. That way, the species I endowed with intelligence and logical reasoning ability that allowed them to improve their lives and build a successful civilization would eventually use those same abilities to conclude that I didn’t exist. Then I’d make the smug buggers roast in hell for eternity for their lack of faith. Good times. Well, at least it beats making square circles or rocks I can’t lift.

  12. bUCKET__
    November 20th, 2005 @ 3:31 pm

    Whatever I’d freekin want to… GOSH.

    If I was god I wouldn’t create something imperfect. Like when a puppy is born blind and deaf it gets put down out of love amd sympathy, so everything else should to a god.

  13. Cynthia
    November 20th, 2005 @ 4:39 pm

    Hit the snooze button for a few more millennia.

  14. Goatboy
    November 20th, 2005 @ 9:41 pm

    Jim’s a prankster god! ;)

  15. Agro
    November 20th, 2005 @ 10:09 pm

    Seems like sadism would be the only available option, since there would be little point in anything else. Creation has no meaning; whatever it is you want, you can have it without creation as a means to obtaining it. You couldn’t even create someone to talk to; what would an infinitely powerful being have to say to his own creations? Why attempt to make them happy? It would be simpler never to create them at all.

    However, it’s always amusing to watch others suffer. If I, as a god, created the universe for the sole purpose of satisfying my own sadistic urges, then that would make sense. Unless I don’t have sadistic urges. In which case… there would be nothing left to do.

  16. Xianghong
    November 21st, 2005 @ 1:20 am

    Start playing Sim Universe 0001.

  17. oDd42
    November 21st, 2005 @ 5:17 am

    explode: from comprehending paradoxes; yet out of boredom; toward every nowhere

    have I been usurped by time?

  18. benjamin
    November 21st, 2005 @ 9:49 am

    I agree with Rob. Before I read any replies, I thought that if I was God I would make other gods. Maybe the quiet geeky god would create a world of humans to look after, but no one would pay much attention to him or his creation.

  19. mark
    November 21st, 2005 @ 9:51 am

    I would spend the first couple of millenia concocting a theory of how I got here.

    It would involve some kind of super-deity that I couldn’t prove existed but that I know, in my infinite wisdom, must exist because how else could I have ended up with my own universe.

    I would then seek out other gods in parrallel universes and tell them of my theory. I would know that because super-god gave me this knowledge of how the universes came to be, that I must be some kind of prophet. It would therefore be my responsibilty to establish a church to worship super-god and, naturally, I should be the head of that church.

    Of course, at first none of the other gods would see evidence of super-god because I would be the only one He had chosen to speak too. However as time went on others would learn to establish “conversations” with Him and He would guide them through their infinity-to-infinity existences.

    As super-god passed down the rules by which He intends us all to live our lives (by which I mean they occur to me when I’m asleep and therefore must be prophecies) I would enforce them. Of course some gods (many of whom have written above) would fail to believe in the super-god and would lead decadent existences, creating pointless worlds for sadistic pleasure.

    All of which begs the question. If there is a god who created this world, is He is an aetheist?

  20. MBains
    November 21st, 2005 @ 12:23 pm

    Boring. I do too occasionally wish I were a demi-god. You know, Superman type stuff, with all the chicks of course.

    God is a pointless psuedo-theory. It’s whatever actually is but that we’ve not figured out yet.

    What part of God is this?

  21. GW
    November 21st, 2005 @ 12:28 pm

    I would make a solemn vow to never, under any circumstances (even though it always seems like a good idea at the time), drink mega quantities of jack daniels. One would think that after repeatedly drinking JD to excess, waking up all alone in the universe as a god at the beginning of time, you would eventually develop better habits.

  22. qedpro
    November 21st, 2005 @ 7:25 pm

    i would actually create man in my own image. Suffice to say he would be a lot different.
    And i would allow the English language to use “they” in the singular sense so that “he” would not have to be used.

  23. Jason
    November 21st, 2005 @ 8:10 pm

    I’d create alternate me’s to talk to. Out of my essense of course, but different persons.

    What do you think? Who am I to say? So mote it be!

  24. Tomek
    November 22nd, 2005 @ 3:06 am

    Wake up again

  25. Chris
    November 22nd, 2005 @ 9:51 am

    I’d go back to sleep.

  26. twyg
    November 22nd, 2005 @ 10:53 am

    apparently it wouldn’t matter what i did. nothing would be good enough for my narcissistic, too-cool-for-school creation and they would end up hating me while claiming i “didn’t exist” as if that would make me disappear, all the while dreaming up ways to attempt to offend and hurt me… luckily for us all, i’m not God :)

  27. probligo
    November 22nd, 2005 @ 5:19 pm

    Try and work out whose gutter I was sleeping in before the universe turned up.

    Oh, and how I got here from there.

    Then go down to the local for a beer and hair of the dog.

  28. dj357
    November 23rd, 2005 @ 5:13 am

    hmm….get out of my cosmic bed, and use some gillete M3 power for a nice clean shave, have a shower, and hmm….create reasoning beings that conclude that i don’t exist because….hmm….i don’t……ARGH!! [disappears up own arse in confusion]

  29. Oppie
    November 23rd, 2005 @ 4:26 pm

    Destroy all evidence of the work I did to create the Universe, and oh yea, drop the linking book into the nearest black hole, so my son’s couldn’t escape if they ever made it to this one.

  30. Cap'n Awesome
    November 23rd, 2005 @ 9:17 pm

    I’d burn in hell all the people who didn’t worship me. Duh, what else would you do?

  31. tdogg
    November 23rd, 2005 @ 10:33 pm

    I would make Red Sox fans suffer for all eternity. Its not that I like baseball or even hate Red Sox fans in particular, but it is pleasing to watch them suffer.

  32. leon
    November 23rd, 2005 @ 11:48 pm

    If you woke up and found you were God all alone in the universe at the beginning of time, what would you do?

    I’d ask the psyciatrist for some stronger meds.

  33. halfawake
    November 24th, 2005 @ 2:25 am

    “In the beginning, the universe was created. Everyone agreed that this was a huge mistake.” – Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

    I’d erase the universe and go back to sleep. Just think of all the horrors that wouldn’t have a chance of happening! The univers would be such a better place without existing. Ironic, isn’t it?

  34. brandon
    November 25th, 2005 @ 12:37 am

    Two chicks at once, of course.

  35. Baal
    November 26th, 2005 @ 1:54 pm

    Create Jehovah worshippers. Then make them burn in Hell forever for worshipping a false god. (Sadistic laughter.)


  36. sternwallow
    November 26th, 2005 @ 9:49 pm

    I would learn to play the piano, then to perform geriatric surgery, then CPR. Already that accounts for the first half of eternity. With my short memory span, I would soon have to learn them all over again thus accounting for the second half of eternity.

  37. OzzByte
    November 27th, 2005 @ 11:05 pm

    Kickback and let evolution happen. Although the minute I saw MAN evolving, I’d put a stop to that shit.

  38. Mutt
    November 28th, 2005 @ 9:16 am

    Gosh, one of my favourite what-ifs. Have a lot of fun, create lots of gratuitous [babes/hunks/supernovae/cuddly animals/dinosaurs/insert eye candy of choice here], play with physics on a planetary scale, mix up some hilariously amusing species, and generally make like the ultimate god sim.

    Of course, ten to one I’ll also make the usual ‘bad first-time author’ mistakes, such as turning up in my own creation saying things like “I am the author! I am very lazy!”. Well, it’s no fun making things if you can’t play with them. (I wouldn’t be stupid enough to get myself crucified, either. Duh, gods godmode!)

  39. Jill
    November 28th, 2005 @ 2:37 pm

    If God is perfect and never faulting, why did he need a rest on the seventh day?

  40. DamnRight
    November 28th, 2005 @ 4:41 pm

    I’d start a BLOG and see who joined in…

    BTW… loved June’s post #10

  41. qwerty
    November 29th, 2005 @ 9:34 pm

    I would make crazy ass creatures like the platypuss!(sp) And then I would make them fight each other in a super tournament of the ancients. I would obviously be a ninja and totally lay waste to other galaxies that defy my awesome creatures. I would create robots and have them roam around as i watch them destroy my planet. oops got serious

  42. Dave
    November 30th, 2005 @ 12:56 pm

    If I were a perfect god at the beginning, I would not have to do anything because everything would already be perfect. To do anything would cause imperfection and therefore cause me to not exist in perfection.

    Therefore I will do nothing.

  43. God
    November 30th, 2005 @ 7:29 pm

    If I were God and all infinite and perfect, I would be in a state of state of constant creation, which is obviously what this world is. A work of art in a constant state of creation.

  44. tamarara
    December 1st, 2005 @ 1:42 am

    Get bored – create a singularity, the rules of physics, and stare at the pretty lights till I get bored and weird. Get a bit narcissistic, create life on a small insignificant planet, wait a while and show myself to some of the apes on the planet – come back every now and then to see what they make of it all. Oh wait I’ve done this all before – de-ja vu. Must have been when I created a short memory for myself to save myself from going crazy.

  45. boywonder
    December 2nd, 2005 @ 1:28 am

    Well, with the backdrop of infinity all around me, I would probably develop a god-sized dose of penis envy. I mean anything looks small compared to infinity. I would keep increasing the size of my penis until I had to create extra dimensions to hold it.

    The extreme gravitational pulling of my penis would cause ripping in the fabric of spacetime inadvertantly creating blackholes that would each eventually create big-bangs. Eventually some primitive planet would be a side-effect of all this and some semi-intelligent creatures would come into existance that would find their reason for existing to be quite humorous (and slightly embarassing to me) so I would have to smite them with my enormous penis.

  46. Lesserpanda
    December 3rd, 2005 @ 12:11 am

    Create a world where homosexuals occupied their fair share of positions of power.

    Then I’d make a square circle, and stuff.

  47. Satan
    December 3rd, 2005 @ 12:25 am


  48. middlgal
    December 3rd, 2005 @ 8:20 am

    Go back to sleep…

  49. Rev Holy Fire
    December 3rd, 2005 @ 2:10 pm

    Create Human beings.

  50. L J
    December 4th, 2005 @ 6:51 pm

    First I’d create categories of good and evil, then a being who embodies the latter. After that, I’d concoct the category of sin and then create humans with an insatiable curiosity and desire for knowledge and freedom. Lastly, I’d turn them lose in a giant garden and sick that evil dude I’d created earlier on ‘em. After that, their offspring would owe me eveything cuz their grandparents couldn’t stand up to temptation. From there, you know, pointless suffering, war, disease, etc., etc. Wow! what a divine imagination I’ve got!

    Or I could create an infinity of joy and wise, beautiful, loving beings to share it with me without having to go through all that shit above.


  51. PhalsePhrophet
    December 4th, 2005 @ 7:09 pm

    Unable to come to grips with my eternal incompetence concerning the use of my omni-powers, suicide would seem most appropriate.

  52. Bill
    December 5th, 2005 @ 6:54 am

    Apologise for the inconvenience!

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