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God Approves New Gloating Rules for Plane Crash Survivors

August 26, 2005 | 27 Comments

Pucallpa, Peru, August 26, 2005
Special to The Raving Atheist

In the aftermath of a fiery plane crash in the Peruvian jungle, God has applauded the gloating of the survivors and their families and issued new rules for press coverage of the beneficiaries of His special protection.

On Tuesday, a Boeing 737 carrying 98 passengers and crew crashed near Pucallpa Peru, leaving at least 37 dead. Six members of the Vivas family escaped, and were immediately joined by other relatives in boasting of divine intervention.

“I always said I have an angel guardian, and they took care of my sons,” said Sylvia Vivas, the mother of two men who survived the wreck. “May the infidels that God smote have their bones picked dry by ravenous snakes.” Moments after the plane burst into flames, one of the sons, Gabriel Vivas, instructed his nieces to thank God for saving their lives. “And we are most grateful to witness the slaughter of the wicked,” he added.

God told the Vivas family that they were most welcome and that He looked forward to sparing most of them on the return flight to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean next week. God also faxed instructions to all newspapers reporting on mass disasters, pointing with approval to the New York Post’s use of the words “prayer,” “miracle” and “grace” in every headline related to the carnage. Among the revised guideliness are the following:

(1) Don’t forget that it is a statistical near-certainty with every commercial flight that some people will have cancelled their reservations or otherwise missed the plane. They, too, are entitled revel in God’s grace and to speculate that their salvation was “for a reason” — especially if their continued existence permits them to serve humanity as late night telemarketing associates..

(2) The closer the cancellation was to departure time, the better. Emphasize, if possible, how trivial or unexpected the intervening event was to draw attention to God’s subtlety and cleverness.

(3) When posing survivors for the victory shot, make sure at least one of them is wearing a crucifix half the size of her head so that your readers will know what caught God’s eye when He snatched the plane out of the sky.

(4) If more than 75% of the passengers survive, focus on God’s great generosity. If it’s just a handful, note how special each one must have been.

(5) The fatality rate in crashes involving larger aircraft generally approaches 100%. While search efforts are still ongoing, encourage family to pray extra hard for a miracle, especially after a hopeful sign like the discovery of dime-sized piece of the tailfin on the top of a coconut tree.

(6) Remind grieving parents that God sometimes needs musicians for Heaven’s marching band, even though Jesus just eats the babies.

God gave the Post high marks compliance with these rules, albeit expressing disappointment at the paper’s failure to mention that “Vivas” means “alive” in Spanish. In contrast, the New York Daily News was chided for neglecting to mention God even once. The News also angered God by marring the heartwarming story of the infant rescued from the jungle mud by revealing that it was found next to its dead mother.

Comments

27 Responses to “God Approves New Gloating Rules for Plane Crash Survivors”

  1. AK
    August 26th, 2005 @ 7:36 pm

    That is marvellous. The lord works in such wonderful and mysterious ways.

    But Im still curious. Why would God even go through the trouble of allowing infidels to be born in the first place, only to have to destroy them in an airplane accident, thereby damaging the property of a good Christian airline company, and inconveniencing the lives of those Christians that he spared in the crash?

    Hmmm…..

  2. glenstonecottage
    August 26th, 2005 @ 11:57 pm

    What do you think, in his mysterious way, God is trying to prove when He causes a vanload of church ladies to die in a traffic accident?

    This seems to happen fairly regularly if you watch the news, at least once a year.

    But what the hell, any God who would sit still and watch several millions of his followers get exterminated by the Nazis is, frankly, somewhat of an underachiever.

  3. Aeger
    August 27th, 2005 @ 2:21 pm

    Exactly! My christian cousin was being annoying about how I was an atheist, and how she was a christian, and how I was going to hell, and how she was going to heaven, and how she would pray for my eternal soul.

    It annoyed the cheese out of me. So, finally, I explained to her that, if god was all powerful he would’ve made me a beleiver. He wouldn’t have shown me, time and time again, the proof of his none existence, and he would have, at the very least, stopped my cat from eating that 3 foot long peice of string.

    So, if god exists, I think he’s an asshole and I want nothing to do with him.

  4. Lucy Muff
    August 27th, 2005 @ 2:21 pm

    this is not work of god but of devil. In order for free will devil cannot be stopp by god even though HE have power to do this because then we not free to choose Life. stop to blame god for works of satan

  5. Andrea
    August 27th, 2005 @ 3:00 pm

    Oh yeah I completely forgot about the devil. I guess god hates all of us enough to create something equally as powerful.

  6. Kafkaesquí
    August 27th, 2005 @ 4:03 pm

    Sorry, but I have to disagree with God on this. I mean when He’s wrong, He’s Wrong.

  7. John Bragg
    August 27th, 2005 @ 11:36 pm

    So the Devil made the plane crash. I guess God was taking a leak or something. You’d think He’d have a way of handling things while he was temporarily detained without allowing the Devil to crash planes while He’s spending Peter’s Pence.

  8. kmisho
    August 28th, 2005 @ 1:30 am

    This is another example of how belief in god leads to immoral behavior. It is the height of arrogance to think that god is giving you or people you care about spcial protection. What ever happened to god working in mysterious? This is the catch-all appology for when those who are not wicked suffer horribly. To ignore this and leap to the conclusion that god is acting as your heavy is repugnant, to put it mildly.

  9. LucyMuff
    August 28th, 2005 @ 2:40 am

    height of arroghance is when yous all athiests think you can understand the ways of GOD and JESUS (JESUS IS LORD) who are so far removed from normal experience that is like understanding nuclear reactor. OF COURSE we human cannot know what is GOD way!!! Serious. And also as well devil is hard to understand, for devil is fallen angel (as you all know too well) and so has divinity of purpose, as all tings do and must.

    height of arroghance is when yous all athiests think you can understand the ways of GOD and JESUS (JESUS IS LORD) who are so far removed from normal experience that is like understanding nuclear reactor. OF COURSE we human cannot know what is GOD way!!! Serious. And also as well devil is hard to understand, for devil is fallen angel (as you all know too well) and so has divinity of purpose, as all tings do and must.

    I wright twise so’s yous all can understand

    for real

  10. Kafkaesquí
    August 28th, 2005 @ 4:29 am

    Yes, you’re for real LucyMuff. We’re you afraid we thought otherwise?

    I’ll come clean and admit I do not know the ways of God and Jesus, but then I haven’t really figured out the ways of Godzilla and Minya (Godzilla’s son) either. The real problem with fictional beings is one never seems to find the time to get to know the real them.

    I do happen to understand nuclear reactors, at least the basics of their technology and design. There’s all sorts of books on how they work, with diagrams and everything! You may want to check them out sometime. I’m certain you would never make it, but there is at least one interesting comparative parallel to consider between God and nuclear reactors: humans created both of them.

  11. charmaine
    August 28th, 2005 @ 7:52 am

    I hope to God(ahem) that LucyMuff is just b.s.ing around.

  12. Vernichten
    August 28th, 2005 @ 8:22 am

    Loosy: “I wright twise so’s yous all can understand”
    Twice gibberish is still gibberish Loosy, my yapping little dog. Instead of writing it twice, how about just once in a language we all can understand?

    different tim, I’m starting to wonder if teaching Loosy how to cut and paste was such a good idea. She’s starting to have, dare I say it, delusions of grandeur.

  13. a different tim
    August 28th, 2005 @ 9:23 am

    Delusions of adequacy, more like.

    Yes, it was probably a mistake.

  14. Vernichten
    August 28th, 2005 @ 9:38 am

    Unfortunately for Loosy, delusions of adequacy ARE delusions of grandeur.

  15. Brian K
    August 28th, 2005 @ 12:08 pm

    Blah blah blah “God doesn’t exist because I don’t believe it and this proves his nonexistence in some obscure way that I believe is logical and therefore is logical because I do not believe in God.”

    Reminds me of the square-circles deal. In reality, you would use the logic “AHA! Since I cannot conceptualize a square circle they cannot exist, therefore God cannot create square circles because to do so would compromise my understanding of what a square and a circle is.”

    O^2. There ya go, a Square Circle, or a Circle Squared.

    Can’t people be thankful for the lives of the spared family and friends without somebody calling it “gloating”?

    Granted, the whole “infidels” shtick in the article bothered me, some people take it too far. God has plenty of time for smiting the wicked AFTER they die. While they are here, it is outside his smiting jurisdiction. The supernatural is governed by different laws than our world, and God operates under different premises than we do.

    The point is, you cannot disprove God because if you are logical person than you must realize that everything comes from somewhere. Everything traces back from something, and I suppose God would be the initial being. Even if we use a matter/anti-matter sort of quantum physics analysis, we still have to wonder WHY our world operates under the laws that it does(and where matter/anti-matter came from and why they both exist). Science is excellent at discerning how things work, but it doesn’t really delve into why they are set up to work that way. Some things are just seemingly a given in this reality. Call it God, call it Snarflitty, call it whatever you want. There appears to be a higher authority than the authorities of this world.

  16. ocmpoma
    August 28th, 2005 @ 12:25 pm

    Brian K:
    ‘O’ is not a circle. Oh, and O to the power of two is a not a square circle anyway, just as 16 is not a square 4. That was pretty pathetic.

    This is almost as bad:
    “…you cannot disprove God… …I suppose God would be the initial being.”
    Let me see – the logical impossibility of your god-concept is impossible, you say – but the best you can do is “suppose”. Did you read RA’s post about lacking a proper definition of your god-concept? If not, read this.

  17. Brian K
    August 28th, 2005 @ 4:43 pm

    Obviously the O^2 was satirical in nature. Where was that great sense of humor I heard about.

    The point would be is you would be asking God to fulfill something which is something you cannot conceptualize because somewhere at some point someone brainwashed you into knowing the difference between a square and a circle. They are only “square” and “circle” because those are the names associated with them, had you been brought up to know them as “Gloog” and “McNulty”, you would then be saying that God cannot create a Gloog-McNulty. You would be asking God to create something you are incapable of conceptualizing because the concepts have been drilled into your head as being seperate and distinct.

    Its the same with the “could God create a rock even he could not lift”. Its another paradox which is impossible for someone to conceptulize, and its a loaded question anyway. It would be like asking “If you had a gun would you shoot 5 people or 6 people?”

    By the same token, the characteristics of the Judeo-Christian God are quite defined. Despite RA’s claims to the contrary, Omnibenevolence and Omnipotence do not conflict. Nor do Omniscience and Omnipotence. Merely because one is all-loving does not mean one is unaware or hatred, in fact, the knowledge of hatred allows the omniscient to know of love and how to avoid hatred. Being all-seeing and all-powerful also do not conflict, if one is All-powerful, it implies one has the power to control that power.

    Religion is a complex thing, its not just a reliance on the existense of some being, there’s much more to it than that. So for some, its easier to say “they are just blind sheeple who are delusional and cannot be objective”, rather than admit the possibility there may be at least some truth in their religion. The point is, it is arrogant for anyone to bash anyone else’s belief system in and of itself. It is perfectly logical and acceptable to waylay beliefs that mess with society in a negative way… ex. Islamic Fundamentalists forcing women into burkas.

    Atheism is simple, it is simple because it is the non-belief in something(God or Gods, mainly). Atheism’s non-belief in God does not exist without Theism’s belief in God because if everyone were an Atheist, then the term Atheist loses all meaning.

    Even if Atheists do win the war against religion… they lose their atheism, for without a proposed God NOT to believe in, Atheism has nothing and it falls into irrelevancy. Thus Atheism is self-defeating. If it is true there is no reason to be good aside from a human fear of pain. Those who can escape this pain by being a step ahead of the authorities thus have no obligation to anyone, they can do whatever they damn please without fear of retribution. In fact, they can kill as many as they like and then commit suicide, in which case they have nothing to worry about. If religion is indeed an illusion and does nothing but prevent more of these nutcases from occuring, it is at least doing more for society than atheism, which has no ethical grounds with which to combat such actions as it is the belief in the non-existence in something rather than a set of enumerated beliefs on various subjects.

    Religion is the biggest scapegoat around, all conflicts have never been about religion, they have been about money, power, and territory. Religion just becomes an easy scapegoat. Even without religion to scapegoat those wishing to enslave us will find some other means to justify their evil. They might use political ideology, culture, skin color, age, race, you name it.

  18. Vernichten
    August 28th, 2005 @ 10:01 pm

    BK, I wish I had more time to respond your semi-coherent blather, but I guess I’ll just go with this:
    “Religion is the biggest scapegoat around, all conflicts have never been about religion, they have been about money, power, and territory.”
    Right, and religion has absolutely nothing to do with money, power or territory. If people use religion as a tool to subjugate or kill others that does not make religion a scapegoat, it makes religion a nasty weapon. When fanatical young people blow themselves up and everyone around them they are doing it out of faith born of religion. The same kind of awesome delusional power that obviously grips you, too.

  19. Lincoln
    August 29th, 2005 @ 8:25 am

    I reject Brian K’s assertion of the following:

    “Even if Atheists do win the war against religion… they lose their atheism, for without a proposed God NOT to believe in, Atheism has nothing and it falls into irrelevancy. Thus Atheism is self-defeating. If it is true there is no reason to be good aside from a human fear of pain….Religion is the biggest scapegoat around, all conflicts have never been about religion, they have been about money, power, and territory. Religion just becomes an easy scapegoat.”

    Come on, Brian! Your shift from logical argument to the inconsistency of faith-based living is astounding. You are asserting with great faith that if it becomes widely accepted that there is no external other-/intradimensional superpower beyond humanity then humanity would suddenly and calamitously descend into complete chaos, devoid of love, compassion, and–gasp–goodness. Do you believe this? Really? I concede there are many fine souls who place their faith and belief in divinity and live, or have lived, their lives in a spirit of tolerance, non-judgement, compassion, and sweetness from all corners of the globe throughout all recorded and unrecorded history. Contrarywise, I reject emphatically that people who live scientifically, or skeptically, or in a philosophically materialistic way are devoid of love, compassion, and goodness. How dare the religionist lay claim that love, compassion, and goodness only reside within men when there is some “other”, some spirit, living within him. I believe that state of having some “other” living in you is called Possession! I hold that man can only be called a “higher being” or a better creation AFTER he decides that love, compassion, and goodness must come of his own accord, from his own thoughts, from his own heart. The reason to be good is simply: THAT IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. How dare you say the non-religionist, the skeptic, the atheist will only instigate moral calamity!

    As to your second faith-rationalizing assumption that religion is ONLY a scapegoat, I say, “balderdash!” So are you saying that the Chinese Communists (oh, just you believe Communism is a religion like any other) are persecuting the religious Falun-gong sect because of “power, money, territory”? Are you saying the Christians, Jews, Muslims have persecuted gays not because of religion but because of “power, money, territory”? Are you saying the Hebrews “blew down the walls of Jericho” not because of religion, but because of “power, money, territory”? Are you saying the Holy Crusades was never about religion? Do you understand what you are saying?

    The biggest problem for people of faith is their denial of all the facts. Their denial of all the facts stems from their utter fear of the unknown and their childish abandon to insure themselves against a “brainwashed” concept of a heaven and a hell. See Brian K., your own words can be used against you, against your own arguments. It is the atheist who goes into the void with his eyes widest open, not squinting, or wincing, hoping beyond hopelessness to find what he believes should be there “because I’ve been good, I’ve done everything you said to do; I smote the wicked; I turned my back on all the right people…” Shame!

    To Lucy, all I can say is “poor babbling child.” It’s easy to love babies, as long as they are someone else’s.

    There is an occidental (Asian) proverb I’ve read over and over that goes something like: the fool believeth himself wise, while the wise knows he is a fool.

  20. Lincoln
    August 29th, 2005 @ 8:26 am

    I reject Brian K’s assertion of the following:

    “Even if Atheists do win the war against religion… they lose their atheism, for without a proposed God NOT to believe in, Atheism has nothing and it falls into irrelevancy. Thus Atheism is self-defeating. If it is true there is no reason to be good aside from a human fear of pain….Religion is the biggest scapegoat around, all conflicts have never been about religion, they have been about money, power, and territory. Religion just becomes an easy scapegoat.”

    Come on, Brian! Your shift from logical argument to the inconsistency of faith-based living is astounding. You are asserting with great faith that if it becomes widely accepted that there is no external other-/intradimensional superpower beyond humanity then humanity would suddenly and calamitously descend into complete chaos, devoid of love, compassion, and–gasp–goodness. Do you believe this? Really? I concede there are many fine souls who place their faith and belief in divinity and live, or have lived, their lives in a spirit of tolerance, non-judgement, compassion, and sweetness from all corners of the globe throughout all recorded and unrecorded history. Contrarywise, I reject emphatically that people who live scientifically, or skeptically, or in a philosophically materialistic way are devoid of love, compassion, and goodness. How dare the religionist lay claim that love, compassion, and goodness only reside within men when there is some “other”, some spirit, living within him. I believe that state of having some “other” living in you is called Possession! I hold that man can only be called a “higher being” or a better creation AFTER he decides that love, compassion, and goodness must come of his own accord, from his own thoughts, from his own heart. The reason to be good is simply: THAT IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. How dare you say the non-religionist, the skeptic, the atheist will only instigate moral calamity!

    As to your second faith-rationalizing assumption that religion is ONLY a scapegoat, I say, “balderdash!” So are you saying that the Chinese Communists (oh, just you believe Communism is a religion like any other) are persecuting the religious Falun-gong sect because of “power, money, territory”? Are you saying the Christians, Jews, Muslims have persecuted gays not because of religion but because of “power, money, territory”? Are you saying the Hebrews “blew down the walls of Jericho” not because of religion, but because of “power, money, territory”? Are you saying the Holy Crusades was never about religion? Do you understand what you are saying?

    The biggest problem for people of faith is their denial of all the facts. Their denial of all the facts stems from their utter fear of the unknown and their childish abandon to insure themselves against a “brainwashed” concept of a heaven and a hell. See Brian K., your own words can be used against you, against your own arguments. It is the atheist who goes into the void with his eyes widest open, not squinting, or wincing, hoping beyond hopelessness to find what he believes should be there “because I’ve been good, I’ve done everything you said to do; I smote the wicked; I turned my back on all the right people…” Shame!

    To Lucy, all I can say is “poor babbling child.” It’s easy to love babies, as long as they are someone else’s.

    There is an occidental (Asian) proverb I’ve read over and over that goes something like: the fool believeth himself wise, while the wise knows he is a fool.

  21. Ross Nicholson
    September 16th, 2005 @ 5:39 pm

    Hey guys/girls. I came across your site from a link someone left on my church’s site basically slagging something off and adding nothing intelligable or helpful to a conversation.
    Anywho, thats not the point… I’m really not here to get into an argument or start telling you what to believe, however much I’d love you guys to experience God in the personal way I have, thats a descision you have to make. By the way, I’m from the UK, just so you know.
    But yeah, i don’t really know what to say other than I’m so friggin in love with Jesus and I’m so excited about what God’s doing in me and the people around me. The more time I spend with God, the more I just get the urge to serve those around me and just be Jesus to them. When it comes to the whole homosexuality thing, i don’t agree with the practice really but, that isn’t going to stop me from being mates with those around me who are in that situation.

    I’d also like to suggest that homosexuals and atheists aren’t destroying the moral fabric of America but in fact that its the church’s inability to carry out its calling to serve a broken world that isn’t helping.

    As far as church history goes, there’s a reason they’re called the dark ages. The church and state controlled God and stopped people engaging with God as the church was originally meant to facilitate. It even changed and edited the Bible to give power to the state. So I’d like to apologise and repent on behalf of the church for its messed up ways at points. But honestly there is life in the church, it is there for the benefit of those in and out of it and we as Christians are here to love the world around us, not pick up on its failings. Jesus himself said that you should remove the plank from your own eye before you take the dust out of your brothers’. An analogy used to describe how we should approach sin in our lives and the lives of those around us. I don’t have the power to judge anyone, and I wouldnt dare do so but I just wanted you guys to have a taste of what it means to be in relationship with an almighty, loving father, friend, counsellor and king.

    Thanks for your time, and God bless

  22. JackdeMolay
    September 16th, 2005 @ 6:20 pm

    Ross,

    thank you for visiting our web forum, you sanctimonius rectum licker. I just have a question: when you say

    “I’m so friggin in love with Jesus and I’m so excited about what God’s doing in me and the people around me…”

    are you in fact referring to some sort of filthy sex orgy? You had better keep your limey ass in the UK where it belongs because if I see your dumbass in my town I will shit in your mouth and you will like it mother fucker. And you may not like homosexuality, at first, but you will get to love it. This seems obvious since you sound like a total fag.

    respectfully yours, Jaques

  23. JPM
    September 19th, 2005 @ 7:48 pm

    Weird ,also got to this site by “luck” … well just to what Andrea said

    Andrea said:
    Oh yeah I completely forgot about the devil. I guess god hates all of us enough to create something equally as powerful.

    No you got it all wrong … God is Omnipotent,Omnipresent,Omniscient = Almighty ,where if you do some reading bible,which i know is hard for you to do) or just some google search it will show/tell you clearly although satan does exists he is only mighty not Almighty and that God gave us (humans) Authority over all demons incl satan/devil/lucifer.

    @ JackdeMolay ,you cursing yourself without you even knowing it … be careful & ready, it’s got you,ah but then seeing you don’t believe in anything you would not know now…

    Respectfully Yours

  24. JPM
    September 19th, 2005 @ 8:13 pm

    Also, athiest pigs, don’t forget that god only suffers you to live through his infinite wisdom, so it might be a good idea to show some respect, and to learn and be less ignorant. Honestly, from what is written here my belief that atheists are scum is only reinforced.
    God bless you

  25. oDd42
    September 19th, 2005 @ 9:20 pm

    God bless you.. athIest pig.. scum

    I can feel the blessings now, what a direct line to gawd you must have. Your sanctimony is showing…

  26. John Marshall
    September 20th, 2005 @ 9:18 am

    don’t forget that god only suffers you to live through his infinite wisdom, so it might be a good idea to show some respect, and to learn and be less ignorant

    JPM, show me some evidence that athiests (preferably humans as opposed to farm animals) are killed off by your god at a higher rate than theists and I might be a tad more inclined to begin to feel just a little bit scared.

  27. JPM
    September 20th, 2005 @ 2:29 pm

    As to the 2nd JPM comment (24) >> i who am the original JPM of post 23 i tell you now i did not write that, any idiot can see if & when i use God’s name i use “Caps” ..as for whomever wrote that trying to make the Christian Religion & Christian people look bad you just got debunked and made your own belief weaker,try & come up with better ways in running me down than to use my name “JPM” and write something so dumb and i mean dumb.

    I came here to say what i thought & to change some facts people had other way around,same as you atheists coming on our sites & make a mockery,which i did not do here…but some atheist person who is part of this site came on using my name and saying his/her own people bad,no backbone man!

    Why do you act as a Christian and make your people on this site look bad ,are’nt you man enough to just tell me straight in my face or were/are you scared that i made sense in my original post(23) & some people would maybe start to read the Book.

    As to whomever wrote post 24 in my name you are lame & a coward as your friend inside of you,but the amazing thing is you get a chance to the last sec .. just you don’t know when the last second is going to be.

    (& i did not end my original post 23 with “God Bless You”)
    Cheers

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