The Raving Theist

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State-Imposed Orthodoxy on Stain Divinities Restored

May 9, 2005 | 13 Comments

Chicago, Illinois, May 9, 2005
Special to The Raving Atheist

Illinois has officially adopted the position that the Virgin Mary is a stain on the wall of an expressway underpass.

Citing safety concerns, Chicago had covered the image with brown paint on Friday. State officials reversed that order over the weekend, however, permitting two car wash employees to remove the paint with a degreaser. A police spokesman said that the directive was originally intended to remove only the words “Big Lie,” which had been written on the image in shoe polish by a man who asserted that the smudge was a graven image in violation of the Second Commandment.

The man, Victor Gonzalez of Chicago, was charged with the misdemeanor of criminal damage to state-supported property. Authorities condemned his views as “ludicrous” and “insincere,” noting that the True Messiah’s mother was not a “false God” within the meaning of the Old Testament prohibition. Officials also asserted that the New Testament clearly superceded any inconsistent, outdated and/or Jewish scriptural edicts. According to a high-ranking source, police have concluded that Gonzalez is an atheist trying to escape punishment by feigning an insane non-belief in stain divinities.

Although the two women who removed the paint did so without express authorization, the district attorney said they could not legally be charged with any offense. “The painting of the stain was a facially unconstitutional suppression of state-endorsed Catholicism, and the women acted in an appropriate manner to correct the blasphemy,” said an office spokesman. The spokesman cited a 1999 precedent in New York, in which a man, Dennis Heiner, splashed white paint over a dung-laden portrait of the Virgin Mary in the Brooklyn Museum. Concluding that the act was “was a crime committed not out of hate but out of love for the Virgin Mary,” the judge fined Heiner $250 but refused to impose a prison sentence.

Comments

13 Responses to “State-Imposed Orthodoxy on Stain Divinities Restored”

  1. The Metropolis Times
    May 9th, 2005 @ 1:44 am

    ‘Big Lie,’ Big Dope

    It’s not very often that American Christians are actually discriminated against, so I feel obligated to point it out whenever it happens.

    On Friday, Victor Gonzalez painted the words ‘Big Lie’ over a salt stain on the wall of a Chicago underpass t…

  2. ballzac
    May 9th, 2005 @ 5:11 am

    willl the state of ilinois be going after the holy ghost for “criminal damage to state-supported property” for creating the image in the fist place?

  3. Jean-Paul Fastidious
    May 9th, 2005 @ 6:33 am

    From the linked article: “Others approach the image, touch it and make the sign of the cross.”

    On a barricade in the article picture: “POLICE LINE – DO NOT CROSS”.

    Those evil Secular police! It just goes to show that Christains [sic?] are the only group that you are allowed to hate anymore (other than white males — and woe to those who choose to be both!)

  4. glenstonecottage
    May 9th, 2005 @ 10:03 am

    I think we should all bake some Ezekiel 4:12 dungcake to take down to the expressway underpass as a tribute to the Virgin Mary.

    And from now on, whenever the Jehovah’s Witless come to my door, I’m going to offer them some Ezekiel 4:12 dungcake, too.

    In fact, I’m going to INSIST that they have some to prove that they are true believers.

  5. AK
    May 9th, 2005 @ 2:10 pm

    All “true” Christians know that the stain is actually just a vagina. Dont believe me? Go check out Landover Baptist. They are the “truest” Christians around and therefore are more qualified to determine what the image is than anyone else.

    ;)

  6. leon
    May 10th, 2005 @ 9:22 am

    CONSPICUOUSLY unconstitutional

  7. Xianghong
    May 11th, 2005 @ 3:04 am

    Wow it takes them that long to figure out that a stain is a stain?

  8. leon
    May 11th, 2005 @ 6:54 am

    I was refering to State Supreme Court Justice Thomas Farber’s leniency toward 73-year old Dennis Heiner

  9. Jean-Paul Fastidious
    May 11th, 2005 @ 7:53 pm

    I think I cracked the reason why so many are having a problem figuring out the stain is just a stain.

    You’ll note that most, if not all, of the people venerating the stain are Catholic. Catholics are of course taught to believe in transubstantiation — the doctrine that the snacks handed out during church services literally and truly are, contrary to all physical evidence, the blood and flesh of Jesus (thus allowing them to cannibalize their lord and gain His powers).

    Now clearly what’s going on here is that some of these Catholics have misunderstood what was being said and mistook the word “transubstantiation” for “transubstaintiation” — the doctrine that stains found under things, such as passes, literally and truly are the people and things that they look vaguely like when you squint just so.

    What we have here is simply a case of history repeating; Christians have always had a problem with iotas.

  10. Jahrta
    May 12th, 2005 @ 3:05 pm

    as these bumbling idiots kneel down before a stain on an expressway overpass that they believe to be a materialization in the physical plane of the mother of their lord and saviour (because, yeah, THAT makes sense. i think i recall reading somewhere that the virgin mary loved the stench of stale urine and wild turkey – come to think of it, the stain itself is probably comprised in no small part of some gin-soaked bum’s urine), i have a solem prayer of my own. I pray that while these idiots waste their time worshipping a stain, and force the city to spend tax dollars in legal battles over control of said stain, that a big ol’ semi loses control and jack-knifes into the lot of them.

    I wonder what kind of stain that would make? the last supper? the japanese flag? oh, oh I know…dogs playing poker! deal me in, boys, i’m feeling lucky.

    would this make for a fantastic commercial for CLR – we could watch billy mays’ overly-excited arms flailing about as he demonstrated the amazing ability of CLR to remove calcium, lime, and rust deposits from concrete. it even works on stupidity! damn, if only it worked on stupidity.

  11. Alex
    May 14th, 2005 @ 11:32 am

    ah yes statues, the rennaisonce the only good thing that came out of christianity, Great art, arcitechture, sculptures, etc, all came to an end by the vattican 2, because the christians were going ” off course”, ‘The Stain And The Statue’ how pethetic, all these saints, statues, on the basis on any religion, should be destroyed, this cult christianity has grown to undeniable size, and needs to be destroyed muhaha. who gives a shit about some tasteless american staue, America consists of religio, greed, blood lust, and extreme ammounts of stupidity, on all behalfs, socially, politically, sterio typical and all but fuck u americans, ur all stupid cunts

  12. Juzio
    May 15th, 2005 @ 8:01 pm

    I don’t see a problem with people praying to a stain. At least the stain exists unlike their imaginary sugar daddy in the sky.

  13. jahrta
    May 16th, 2005 @ 2:08 pm

    Alex

    did i miss something? who’s talking about a statue?

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