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Fake Religious Leader Urges Madonna to Convert From Fake Kabbalah to Fake Wicca

March 29, 2005 | 4 Comments

New York, New York, March 29, 2005
Special to The Raving Atheist

The president of a faux-Catholic organization has suggested that Madonna convert from her fake form of Jewish mysticism to a fake form of witch-worship, reports today’s New York Post.

Bill Donohue, whose own “Catholic League” has no official ties to the Vatican or the Church hierarchy, made his recommendation after Madonna appeared dressed as a nun at a Kabbalah party celebrating the Jewish holiday of Purim. Madonna’s husband, director Guy Ritchie, came dressed as Pope John Paul II in a red cape, gold-trimmed white robe and matching skullcap.

“Her husband suggests that he’s just as depraved as his wife,” said Donohue. “I suggest that next time, Madonna dress up in something more suited to her, such as from the Wiccan religion. And the Catholic League would donate a broom to her husband — with instructions on what to do with it.”

Donohue’s reference to “what to do with it” was widely interpreted as alluding to an involuntary and painful rectal insertion accomplished by shoving, a practice popular among Catholic clerics.

Madonna belongs to the Kabbalah Centre, which has drawn fire from true Kabbalists for explaining the impenetrable secrets of the universe in non-coded, understandable self-help form, and for overcharging for evil-repelling red strings and magic bottled watered. But true Wiccans have also criticized the form of Wicca recommended by Donohue, noting that the authentic religion does not promote a belief in witches. Rather, it is practiced by people who merely call themselves “witches,” brew potions, casts spells and worship the God and Goddess.

Madonna countered that the Catholic League is fake, insofar as the real Church is not run by Bill Donohue but a Pope who believes in the resurrection of a virgin-born martyr and dresses in a costume identical to that worn by Mr. Ritchie.

Claude Nostrand, Vicar of the First National Barking Spider Revivalist Tabernacle, expressed pleasure that the fake religions were engaging in a constructive public dialogue. “It’s heartening to see them put aside their differences and celebrate their common fakeness,” he said. “What matters is that they recognize that what is at the center of each of their faiths is the same — a shared core of hysterically insane lies borrowed from the mainstream fairy tale religions.”

Comments

4 Responses to “Fake Religious Leader Urges Madonna to Convert From Fake Kabbalah to Fake Wicca”

  1. AK
    March 29th, 2005 @ 12:13 pm

    A PRACTICE POPULAR AMONG CATHOLIC CLERICS!!!! OH MY GOD!!! LOL!!!!

  2. Sharona
    March 29th, 2005 @ 3:14 pm

    All-time best name for a fake church: First National Barking Spider Revivalist Tabernacle.

  3. Paradoxx
    March 29th, 2005 @ 9:37 pm

    where do i sign up to this tabernacle?

  4. Witchcraft Blogs – Zen Werewolf
    September 8th, 2009 @ 1:21 am

    […] Fake Religious Leader Urges Madonna to Convert From Fake Kabbalah … – The president of a faux-Catholic organization has suggested that Madonna convert from her fake form of Jewish mysticism to a fake form of witch-worship, reports today’s New York Post. Bill Donohue, whose own Catholic League has no official ties to the Vatican or the Church hierarchy, made his recommendation after Madonna appeared dressed as a nun at a Kabbalah party celebrating the Jewish holiday of Purim. Madonna’s husband, director Guy Ritchie, came dressed as Pope John Paul II in a red cape, gold-trimmed white robe and matching skullcap. […]

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