Life Is Like A Roller Coaster
April 23, 2004 | 13 Comments
I may be taking my vows as a Catholic priest by this time next week.
Yesterday a colleague was telling me about her son’s English assignment.
“Life is like a roller coaster . . . .” he had written, but the teacher told him to do it over again because the assignment wasn’t about similes.
“What’s that other thing that’s like a simile?” she asked. “A metaphor?” I guessed.
She agreed, and began rattling off examples of some of the “Life is . . . ” metaphors she and her son had reeled off together the night before. My mind wandered as I listened and my eyes roamed over my desk.
My desk is messy now. So messy that a big flatbed scanner is lost somewhere under all of the papers. But somehow I noticed, buried in all that clutter, a tiny scrap of paper — from a fortune cookie I had eaten probably three months ago. It said:
“Although it feels like a roller coaster now, life will calm down.”
I’m not a superstitious man, but my life has not been calm lately and that evil little piece of paper has lottery numbers on the back of it. There’s a New York Lotto drawing tomorrow and the jackpot’s $35 million. That would calm me down some.
But so would eternal life, so I won’t do this for the money.
If I get one number right, I’ll become a Unitarian. (Wouldn’t have to change anything).
Two, a reform Jew. (I could still keep the blog).
Three, an agnostic. (I could write for the Volokh Conspiracy).
Four, a Protestant. (Back to where I started).
Five, a Baptist. (I’m already crazy anyway).
Six, a Catholic Priest. (If they’ll have me).
Just so this is all verifiable, here are the numbers:
16, 17, 20, 23, 26, 38.
I know God does not like to be tested. But I don’t like to be teased with fortune cookies. And it’s really not a test, since, as I said, I’m not doing it for the money.
April 23rd, 2004 @ 7:08 pm
Unfortunately, part of becoming a Catholic priest is taking a vow of poverty, so the lottery money will just go to the church. Better to get five and win $100,000 and spend it on hot Baptist biznatches.
April 23rd, 2004 @ 7:48 pm
And if you win, you won’t need the money, right? So you’ll give it to your loyal fans? I have a feeling someone’s going to become a catholic priest…
April 23rd, 2004 @ 9:13 pm
Wait, shouldn’t you become a Confucian if you get all the numbers? Since when did Yahweh start communicating through takeout food?
April 24th, 2004 @ 3:15 am
Sure but what would God be trying to tell you if you get struck by lightning instead? What if it happens twice?!
April 24th, 2004 @ 12:34 pm
Power Ball is 103 million.
http://www.palottery.com/lottery/site/default.asp
If I get one number right, I
April 24th, 2004 @ 12:48 pm
duuuhhh!
EVERYBODY knows that jesus and mary’s favorite mode of comunication is via fast food, especially tortillas…..
ah, that and glass panes……..
April 24th, 2004 @ 12:55 pm
Kilgore Trout;
EXCELLENT NAME! No, truely an outstanding well-thought up name (I’m assuming, if not still EXCELLENT)!! Did you know that Kurt Vonegut (sp?) is an appologist? Intreaguing if you did know, intreaguing if you didn’t.
Here’s a quote from ‘Breakfast of Champions’
“How old is the universe? 1/2 a second old, but that 1/2 second has lasted 1 quintillion years so far. Who created it? Nobody, it’s always been there.”
April 24th, 2004 @ 8:10 pm
Correction suggestion: Switch ‘agnostic’ and ‘reform Jew’.
April 25th, 2004 @ 1:22 am
the numbers were 12, 16, 22, 34, 42, 54
looks like you wont have to change a thing
April 25th, 2004 @ 2:10 am
What do you mean by “apologist?” According to celebatheists.com Vonnegut is an atheist:
“quote from his autobiograpy Palm Sunday, reprinted from a “self-interview” printed in the Paris Review:
INTERVIEWER asks something about how he was affected by his study of anthropology.
VONNEGUT: Yes, it confirmed my atheism, which was the religion of my fathers anyway. (He was from a family of pioneering American freethinkers.) ”
April 25th, 2004 @ 1:26 pm
An appologist is an atheist. He doesn’t believe in god but feels the need to feel bad about it.
Theist: “Do you believe in god?”
Atheist: “No, god absolutely does not exist.”
Appologist: “I’m sorry no, I don’t believe god exists.”
But yes, you’re right, he’s an atheist. VIVA!!
April 25th, 2004 @ 1:45 pm
OOPS! I stand corrected, an apologist is someone who argues in defense of religion (?? – why the word “apologist”, what are they apologizing for – ??). My sources shall be flogged.
As you were…
My favorite author, Salman Rushdie is on that list too. Read some Rushdie, it’s AMAZING! Seriously, his prose is an unbelievable interwoven tapestry of metaphor, symbolism (although, unless you’re Indian, very up on Indian culture, or have a freind who is, some of the symbolism will require some interpretation), fantasy, and… most importantly… REALITY. I got a chance to see him read a couple years back and got a book signed. He was everything you could hope for when seeing the people you admire in person.
Clive Barker’s an atheist too, but he’s gay so that may be a factor. You’d never be able to tell by his writing (sarcasm). Ever read ‘Imagica’? Great book but just PEPPERED with homo-erotacism.
Anyway, sorry.
May 4th, 2004 @ 9:13 pm
One of the Funnier Sentences in Blogosphere History
From Ben Kepple: “The Raving Atheist has vowed to join the priesthood should he win the New York State Lottery with numbers from a fortune cookie.”…